Gay Can Mean Happy
by Molly Patton


Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”

Sound like your worst nightmare?

Maybe you’re absolutely certain that there is no way your kid is gay. Maybe you already know he is. Whatever the case, chances are that you or someone close to you is the parent, friend, teacher or partner of someone who isn’t, as they say, “straight.”

Statistics say that one in 10 young people in the world today identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered (trans), two-spirited, intersex, queer, or questioning. Despite the seemingly large statistic and the ream of labels that can go with it, being a gay teen can be a lonely, confusing, and potentially dangerous existence. I went to a large, diverse high school and was a straight-A honours band student. I was also convinced that I was quite possibly the only lesbian in Canada (or on particularly awful days, maybe even the world). Logically, I knew this wasn’t true. However, it often felt that way. So I’m hoping that the following may have some helpful tips on what you can do to help your teen along the rocky path of sexuality, straight or otherwise.

First, and perhaps most important, is awareness.  Being clued in to the fact that it may indeed be possible that your child is not heterosexual is the first step in opening up the discussion with any teen. This is not the same as telling your daughter that you knew all along her love of toy trucks just wasn’t right—not fitting stereotypical gender-based assumptions does not automatically mean your child is gay or trans.  Along the same line, discussing sexuality is important whatever you think the orientation of your teen may be. Homophobia and transphobia affect us all, gay or straight. Straight teens who are perceived to be gay or trans in high school often face as much harassment as those who actually identify as such. Check your language; check your attitude. Your acceptance is not merely shown by the words that come out of your mouth. Trust me, if there’s a difference between your words and actions, we will notice (we are teenagers, remember?).

If awareness is the most important factor, then acceptance is probably a close second. If your teen comes out to you, stop and think for a moment before you react. Most gay and trans youth grow up to be as well-adjusted, happy and emotionally fulfilled as anyone. Most have successful careers and happy family lives. This is not the end of your son or daughter as you know them. You have not “lost” your child or their future. (This is not the time to mention grandkids. Really. Don’t mention it now. It’s still possible, I promise).

Your teen is the same person he was before he revealed his sexuality to you. Having said this, accepting that your teen is not heterosexual and overcoming your assumptions and fears is probably not going to happen overnight.  Your teen is not expecting you to immediately break out the rainbow flag and attend the next pride event with him (and, quite frankly, he will possibly never want you to do so—as I said before; still teenagers). Take a moment to remind yourself and your teen that you love and respect him. Finding out your teen is queer needn’t be the end of the world—it can be a new beginning.

After your teen comes out to you, many questions may be running through your mind: What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do right? When did my child become this way? How does she know she’s queer if she’s never dated?  Your teen is not gay or trans because of anything you (or anyone else, for that matter) did or did not do. No one “recruited” your child, nor did he catch “queer” from anyone. If your teen is having other problems (at school, etc.), do not assume that these are a direct result of his being queer. On the flip side, do not assume that your teen is queer because he is having problems at school. Do not expect him to be the typical “gay” kid. As I always like to say, “being gay is being me but being me is not being gay.” It’s a different experience for everyone.  As for when your teen became gay and how they know, I’d ask you to think for a minute, assuming that you are a heterosexual—when did you become straight? How did you know you were? Did you ever date anyone of the same sex, “just to be sure?”

Following awareness and acceptance, the third crucial element is support. There are numerous resources across the Island for parents, teachers, friends, partners, and loved ones of queer folks who find themselves needing information. AIDS Vancouver Island (AVI) has many informative queer resources and can offer support and referrals to queer teens and their loved ones. The local queer youth groups in Victoria and the Westshore (SEXY – Sexually Eccentric Xenophile Youth) are also part of this agency. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is another fantastic resource with chapters across the country.

Numerous books and websites contain a plethora of information, and contacting either of the above organizations can put you into contact with some fabulous people (myself included!) who would be more than willing to sit down and chat with you about any questions you have.

Awareness, acceptance and support. These things are really no different from the needs that all teens have of their parents. Supporting and loving a queer teen can be a scary experience and, trust me on this, not just for you parents.  It can also be a rewarding and special one, and can form a new bond between parent and teen. If you can’t quite give your teen outright acceptance or support just yet that’s okay too, but don’t deny her your love. Regardless of your teen’s sexual orientation, just loving your child for who she is is a powerful statement.

For more information
AVI: 384-2366 or info@avi.org
PFLAG: 385-9462 or www.pflagcanada.org
SEXY: 384-2366
SEXY West: 384-2366

Molly Patton is the Queer Youth Community Development Co-ordinator at AIDS Vancouver Island.