The Boy in the Mirror
by John Crawford


A touching anecdote overheard in the boys’ changing room of a local high school.

“Am I alright?”
“Yeah.”

This incident is a true story, and puts into reality the whispered angst amongst young male teens about their bodies.

In the time it takes you to read this article, 4000 children will have been born; each one unique. Our planet is richer for the diversity of skin colour, eye shape and body size from one culture to another. But as children age, variety is not the cultural goal.

Most parents understand the pressure and expectations young women face to meet society’s idea of physical beauty. But the gender-bending and androgynous trends of the last decade have created a new monster—the perfect male body! These days, many boys feel the same pressure as girls have long felt to achieve a physical ideal of attractiveness and success.

Society defines “exactly” how boys/men should look. It’s hard for young men to appreciate their unique body composition and remember that physical appearance says nothing about who they are as a person, when they are bombarded with messages about the ideal physique that make them feel anxious, self-conscious and awkward.
Young male adolescents are susceptible. They have moved into the cross-hairs of the media as the new target of marketing battle plans.

It starts young. The original GI Joe, scaled to human dimensions, had a bicep circumference that equated to about 12 inches, similar to an ordinary man. By 1997, GI Joe Extreme’s bicep circumference equated to more than 26 inches, equal to a typical boy’s waist size.

“Rock hard abs in two weeks!” the ads scream. This year, North American men will spend more than $2 billion for gym memberships and another $2 billion for home exercise equipment. While there is a silver lining in that more men and boys are working to improve their overall wellness, it is a thin line between health and ego!

Fifteen years ago, Men’s Health magazine had 250,000 subscribers, now it has two million.  Cosmetic medical procedures to make bodies more masculine have sky-rocketed.  In seeking the perfect body, men and boys are experimenting with a plethora of diets, bodybuilding, steroids, face-lifts, liposuction, Viagra, and penile implants. The latest trend involves surgically implanting new bone in the calf to make men taller.

The messages are powerful. One study asked 11- to 17-year-old boys to look at a selection of pictures and choose the one that most closely approximated their idea of the ideal body type. The most popular choice was impossible to achieve without the use of steroids. Approximately seven per cent of high school boys take anabolic steroids to help build muscle.  Margaret MacNeil, Associate Professor in the Faculty of Physical Education and Health at the University of Toronto reports, “Boys can become megarexic as opposed to anorexic.  They become more focused on being big.” Taking steroids is dangerous. A clerk at a weight-lifting store was direct: “Steroids shut off your nuts!” Medical doctors tend to choose their words more cautiously, referring to steroid use as “castration by another name.” Steroids reduce sperm production, shrink testicles and cause impotence. Fat burners, creatine, adrenal hormones and proteins can cause kidney and liver damage and breast development, increase cholesterol, and lead to cancer and heart disease.

These side effects should be enough to convince boys to turn off the TV and resist the body-building ads. However, the male body obsession continues because a boy’s body image is shaped, if not determined, by the most unforgiving group of judges imaginable—other boys. Name calling: remember Piggy in Lord of the Flies? “Hey fatty, sucks to your asthmaaaaaaaaaaarrrr.” Comparisons: wearing glasses equals “Hey four eyes.” Cultural slurs: “Is that a towel/diaper on your head?  Ha! Ha!” are common hallway taunts for too many boys. It’s likely we have all been guilty of name-calling out of sheer frustration, retaliation or peer pressure. Hopefully, as adults, we remember the look of loneliness and deep hurt in the eyes of the person on the receiving end of our thoughtless torments.
Well, the pursuit of manliness isn’t going to change. Society’s new gods—music rappers and underwear models—are not going to disappear and youthful posturing, complete with sheer cruelty, isn’t likely to abate.  So over to you mom and dad! Communicate and educate. Talk to your sons. Let them know that the changes and perils of adolescence are manageable. Help them in their quest to find a personal comfort level. Assure them that zits are normal and can be controlled. Body odour is a physiological reality and regular showering makes a difference. Maybe this is the time to buy them their own set of towels (appropriately masculine please) as a gesture of understanding and validation. Discuss cultural diversity around the dinner table. Point out that while Bill Gates may be the nerd of the century, he commands international respect for his brains, rather than his brawn, and his philanthropy as opposed to his wealth.

Don’t underestimate your children’s insightfulness.  Adolescents realize that even the most masculine athlete or movie star can have other problems and that happy, successful men come in all shapes and sizes. Challenge their perception of the stereotypical division of labour and interests. Women run successful companies, blue collar workers vacuum on the weekend.  Many of the greatest artists, dancers and writers have been, and continue to be, men. Watch the movie Billy Elliott with them. It’s a masterful, touching story of a young boy who struggled to become a world class ballet dancer.  Help them to buy smart. Your sons are intelligent; challenge them to look at media messages thoughtfully and to be critical of manipulative messages. Encourage kindness, mutual respect and acceptance.

In many ways our children are more mature than we were. For example, a recent TIME magazine feature on Gay Teens (10/10/05) reported that homophobia in schools is disappearing.  Help your children expand their definition of masculinity to include qualities such as caring, patience, sensitivity, self-care, self-respect, connectedness and intimacy, sense of humour, motivation, curiosity and individuality. Assist them to value what is inside—not how another boy “looks” on the outside.

Our contemporary Western culture does not clearly define the roles and status of young teens. and has few universal markers or “initiation rites” to mark the transition from childhood into adulthood. An exception is the Jewish tradition of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, an impressive ceremony for 13-year-old Jewish boys or girls. The most poignant part of the ceremony is the personal speech the young person makes affirming their acceptance of adult responsibilities. One boy I had watched grow and mature concluded his commitment to adulthood by stating emphatically, “I will treat myself physically and emotionally with respect. I will be a real man.”
You have to admire the courage of the young man who was able to reach out to his friend in the locker room but don’t put your child in that position. Buy your son a full-length mirror. Stand in front of it with him and tell him that you like what you see—both on the outside and the inside.

John Crawford taught school for many years including 13 years in a boys’ school. He always had a mirror—full length—in his classroom. For more articles and to access John’s e-books visit www.crawfordinternationalinc.com.