When Times Are Tough

A Family's Strength

by Frank O'Brien

I had lost my job. After three years of working hard, putting in unpaid hours and going in on my days off, the company decided to “go in a different direction.” I knew it was simply new management changing the staff to suit its agenda, but it still stung. I was told when I arrived for my shift. The entire episode took about five minutes. Driving home, I wondered how my wife would take the news. Neither of us had been happy with the hours I was working, but my job paid well and we were getting closer to buying our first home. I kept calm and decided to focus on the future.

We all hear of layoffs and terminations—and I know many parents have been through this—but when it happens to you, life takes on a different colour. Our daughters are six and eight years old; soon to be seven and nine. How was I going to pay for school supplies? Birthday parties? What about holiday expenses such as summer vacation and Christmas that always cost much more than expected? What about car payments, increasing gas bills, cable, internet, rent, hydro, credit card payments, extracurricular activities for the girls, new clothes, paper for new resumes? What about gym memberships, a box of cookies once a week, propane for the barbecue, movie rentals, groceries, and hobbies?

Panic set in, followed by despair. I was an unskilled worker with experience in only one industry and a partially finished university degree. I am a 36-year-old husband and father of two with no job or prospects. I am that person with big aspirations and seemingly no way of reaching them. I had tried over the years to settle on one of many different career possibilities: financial planner, pub owner, architect, artist. I was now the person I had always been afraid of becoming; the person who floats from one career to the next, never satisfied and never successful—never settling into a way of life and constantly keeping the family stressed and strained.

These thoughts brought me into a state of stunned depression. Some mornings, it felt difficult to get up, to face the world, to face the issues that needed my attention. Expressions such as bounced around my head such as “be careful what you wish for” because I had expressed the wish to my wife that I wanted a career change. Expressions such as “tough times don’t last, tough people do” and “everything happens for a reason” were suddenly ringing in my ears, but did not help even though they are supposed to.

I broke down. As a father, husband and man, I still bought into the societal belief that man is the provider, the hunter, the protector of his family. I was failing miserably at this and could not muster the strength to see things differently. I believed I was the worst model my girls could be lumped with. While they watched the television, I would sneak to our bedroom and cry.

Over the next few days, after confessing my thoughts to my wife and girls, and getting nothing but encouragement and praise in return, I realized I could not give up. Not because I couldn’t afford to, but because the three people who meant the most to me also believed in me, my goals, and my dreams. They were keeping my dreams alive. I realized all parents go through tough times and low times. Every parent worries about affording the ever-increasing expense of raising children. All parents contend with the curve balls careers and work can throw their way. I realized this situation was an opportunity to stand back and figure out what was really important to my family and me.

Through hard times, we find out who we are. We discover our identities are not necessarily interwoven with our work. I was discovering that my children’s love for me was constant regardless of what career I chose. I would mention possible choices to them and they would react with enthusiasm and pride. They would tell me everything would be alright and that they did not mind going without trips to restaurants or little extras for a few months. My wife believed in me enough to reassure me that, in the end, I would make the choice that would allow me to grow personally and provide for the family. I then snuck away to shed a different kind of tear; the tear that comes from knowing the love our families give us.

The cliché expressions I cynically repeated in my mind now changed to ones of hope and perseverance. I reminded myself that, yes, “things do happen for a reason” and that there was a “light at the end of the tunnel.” It is so easy for us to be overwhelmed by the negative possibilities when parenting, and easy to forget the tremendous joys and opportunities we have. We get scared at times and anxious at other times, so much so that we wonder how we ever arrived at our present situation. It is important, however, to reflect in the same manner about our happiest and most joyful moments.

I know the scary times will pass. I know my wife and I will continue to strive to do the best for our children. We will endeavour through life’s ups and downs. I am reminded of the trials and tribulations my own parents had to endure, how they survived them, and even thrived in them. When the waters of parenthood get rough and the future seems unclear, remember that your kids will continue to love you, no matter what direction you choose.

Frank O’Brien is the father of Aideen and Megan, and husband of Amanda O’Brien. He is developing a writing career and is currently authoring a book on his experience in the restaurant industry.