What Will Your Legacy Be?
by Daniel HughesBefore becoming a father I never once thought about what legacy I may leave in the world—my own personal imprint on others. That all changed the day my son was born.
I learned one of my biggest legacy lessons from a friend who passed away recently. She had told me a few years ago that one of her goals was to live long enough to see her son start kindergarten. She met her goal this fall.
We had talked about legacies, specifically the one she hoped she was leaving for her son. I assured her that she had already accomplished a great deal, the ground work had been set, and he was solid.
Not long before my friend died, we met at a park for a play date and I saw her impact on her son. At one point the boys came over to tell us about the “cranky old lady” who was angry because she was getting wet from our sons splashing in the fountain. To be honest, I wondered why the woman had sat so close to the fountain, only to complain about getting wet. My friend suggested that perhaps the woman was having a bad day, and asked the boys what they could do to make her feel better. They ran around and picked a big bunch of dandelions. My friend’s son, an extrovert like his mum, walked straight up to this woman and handed her the flowers. She smiled, seemed slightly embarrassed, but pleased by the gesture. Before long, she became the designated “button pusher,” turning the water on and off as needed, and was soon just as wet as the boys.
My friend talked about teaching her son to be a kind and thoughtful young man, especially at times when that can be hard to do. She taught me and my son as well that day. I will never forget that “aha” moment. She transformed what started out as a potential conflict into a genuinely positive feeling while teaching the boys to be open-minded and to show compassion.
We have just witnessed Barack Obama make a huge historical impact in this world. But along with presidents, visionary artists and great spiritual leaders, we sometimes forget that we, too, are making history and influencing the future with the way we live our lives. We just have to look at our own parents and how the way they lived affected us. We may have received lessons from them or other mentors that have empowered us. On the other hand, we may have decided to do the exact opposite of what they did while they were raising us.
Even then, their mistakes and shortcomings became catalysts for us to change old familial patterns.
Our actions determine the course of the future for others, and those who follow us will remember us as part of their history. We have all heard stories about family members we may or may not have known—sometimes it is their unique humour, or skills to manage money, or gift for music or art, their strong spirituality or contagious positive energy that makes an impression upon us.
People outside our family of origin may have changed the course of our lives as well: a teacher who encouraged and inspired us; a neighbour who helped us in a time of need; or even a stranger who gave us support in a crisis.
When we remember the people who have helped shape us, we realize that however small our daily lives may seem at times, they are actually very important. How we treat people, in each moment, with every interaction, can have a major impact.
Family rituals, habits and symbols also help to create a legacy that children will inherit. They impact what children value and what becomes important to them. What legacy will your family rituals create? The following questions address daily rituals that often have far greater meaning than we may suspect in the lives of our children.
How do we or should we eat together at dinner? What is the meaning of dinner time?
How should we part at the beginning of each day?
How should we reunite?
How should bed time be?
What are our rituals around vacations?
What rituals do we have when someone is sick?
What does the role of father/mother mean to you?
How do you feel about your role as a worker (your occupation)?
What is the meaning of weekends? What should they be like?
How do you feel about your role as a friend to others?
How do you feel about your role in your community?
How do you find balance in your life? Do you show your kids what that looks like? Do you show them what you do to renew and refresh yourself when you are burned out or fatigued? Do you talk about it?
Then there are the bigger questions that are often formed through the daily rituals.
Who is our family in the world? What are some stories about your family that go way back in history, stories you are proud of and want to be a part of the tradition your family continues?
What does a home mean to you? What qualities must it have for you? What was home like in your family while growing up? What is your philosophy of how to lead a meaningful, good life? How are you putting this into practice, or failing to?
What is the role of spirituality in your life? How do you want to incorporate it into your family life now?
Take a moment to consider how you want to be in the world and how powerful we all really are. We must remember that our lives are not meaningless—quite the opposite. Every day we have the opportunity to “make history” and influence the future for the better.
Daniel Hughes is a family psychotherapist based in Victoria. To find out about his Bringing Baby Home workshops, visit victoriafamilytherapy.com.
