Understanding Attachment

A father's perspective

by Daniel Hughes

Understanding attachment is the single most important factor in making sense of kids from the inside out. When I knew I was going to become a dad, I started reading all the parenting books I could find. To be honest, I was disappointed by a lot of them. There were so many different parenting techniques—many of them contradictory—that I became confused and overwhelmed.

I am happy to have discovered a brilliant book by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, Hold On to Your Kids. One of the best parenting books I have ever read, Hold On to Your Kids gives parents a clear understanding of the importance of the parent-child relationship. It is from this foundation that we as parents have the power of influence to help guide and shape our children—not just when they are young, but throughout their lives.

The authors provide some basic building blocks to help new parents set out on the right path. More importantly, at least for me, they try to help us better understand our parental responsibilities, which will ensure our children turn to us for guidance and direction and avoid being unduly influenced by their peers.

In my private practice I have worked with many couples over the years. Aside from communication styles, a core issue for a lot of people is a history of childhood dysfunction that prevented or stunted their attachment to a parent or parent substitute.

“Attachment is a force of attraction pulling two bodies toward each other,” write the authors. “Whether physical, electrical, or chemical form, it is the most powerful force in the universe; it holds us to the earth and keeps our bodies in one piece. It holds the particles of the atom together and binds the planets in orbit around the sun; it gives the universe its shape.”

In the parenting world, attachment is at the heart of relationships and social functioning. A family cannot be a family without it. When attachments are out of order, our instincts will be too. We will not know how to trust ourselves and the lens through which we see the world will be one of distrust and uncertainty. Without a healthy attachment, we will feel disoriented and disconnected. When children have no one to orient them, they can end up feeling lost.

A few years ago, I was skiing on an unfamiliar mountain. On the last run of the day, I got lost skiing down the back of the mountain. It was getting dark and there was no one else around. I quickly lost all interest in the mountain’s epic beauty and put all of my energy into finding my bearings and orienting myself back to safety. When I heard the explosions of dynamite, to prevent an avalanche, I knew that I was in a dangerous place. In short, I was terrified.

More than the fear of physical harm, a child’s greatest fear is that of being lost. Being lost means losing contact with their compass point. Parents are a child’s best compass point—how that compass is influenced depends on the strength of the attachment in the relationship.

Six ways children learn to develop attachment, according to Neufeld and Maté:

1. Senses. Children need to sense the person they are attached to through sight, sound, smell and touch. This is especially true for babies, though the desire for physical connection is true for our entire lifetime. We cannot give a child too many hugs, or make too many silly faces.

2. Sameness. By the time a child becomes a toddler, they seek to be like those closest to them. They imitate and emulate. This is when they learn language and absorb culture. Make sure you like who you are because junior will follow your lead.

3. Belonging and Loyalty. The developing toddler will also lay claim to whomever they are attached, sometimes to the point of being possessive. When a child feels belonging, they will be faithful and obedient to the attachment figure.

4. Significance. Preschoolers will seek to please and to win approval. They quickly learn to read our faces for any kind of disapproval, or work to see a happy face from those they are attached to. They are vulnerable at this time; seeking someone’s favour leads to feeling wounded by signs of disfavour.

5. Feeling. Emotion is involved in attachment. For preschoolers, the pursuit of emotional intimacy can be intense. Warm, loving, affectionate feelings will help a child better handle physical separation and still hold the parent close. Children learn to hold the image of a loving parent in their minds and find comfort when they are separated for long periods of time.

6. Being known. By the time a child enters school they will know that they are seen and heard, not just physically, but psychologically too. To feel close to someone is to be known by them. For a child, closeness will often be defined by the secrets they share. Parent-oriented children do not like to keep secrets from their parents because of the loss of closeness.

These six ways of attaching become interwoven into a strong bond of connection. That connection is what gives a child comfort, strength, courage, and a feeling of belonging that will guide and direct them to turn toward the parent first. Our opinions will matter most. Our reflections and input will hold the most weight. Our children will feel safe and protected by the people who love them most.

Keep in mind, the most important gift we can give our children is the gift of relationship with us. We need not compare ourselves, our parenting styles, our eating habits or schedules, whether our children are in day care or at home with a parent. We are all unique and our children will inherit the family culture we have created for them. When they grow up and find life partners, they will blend and re-create their own ways of traveling through time together. If we do our job well, their relationships will be strong and healthy.

We need to create a strong attachment to our children and make these attachments last for as long as our children need to be parented. Keeping our focus on the relationship between child and parent must remain our priority.

Daniel Hughes is a family psychotherapist based in Victoria. To find out about his Bringing Baby Home workshops, visit victoriafamilytherapy.com.