The Power & Salvation of Release

When words speak louder than actions

by Erica Fritch

Lately I have been struggling to get much done, to find motivation and in writing this article, to put my thoughts down on paper.

This all started about six weeks ago when some strange, powerful patterns in my behaviour and thinking started to form. I noticed that yoga was mentally hard to do, that my desire to pursue my family’s regular activities was decreasing, and that my mood was growing darker and more negative. It was subtle at first, but has become more persistent and harder to ignore as the weeks passed. My eating habits were deteriorating, with all my latent food issues resurfacing, something that has happened several times, much more than usual, over the last eight months.

I kept trying to figure out what it was that was causing these feelings and the accompanying sense of lacking or longing. There was something missing in my life, but I could not figure out what it was. It seemed like it was spiritual, but I knew that there was a medical and emotional aspect to it as well.

The last two weeks have been especially bad, though after an acupuncture session when I told the acupuncturist, Liza, that I had been feeling a bit depressed lately, I felt a little better. Five days later, though, my mood plummeted again. Finally, this past Saturday as I sat in the bathtub with Natasha at 6:30 in the morning, trying again to figure out what the thing was that was causing me to feel depressed, I had a revelation. There is not some larger “thing” causing the feelings of depression. I am depressed. I have depression.

I think this was partly realizing and partly admitting what was going on. Thinking the thought itself created release, and that release came out through tears as well as a feeling of physical lightness. I tried to not let Natasha see me cry (she has seen enough of this in her short life so I wanted to spare her another image of it), but hiding your face when you are facing a person in a bathtub is a difficult thing to do.

I didn’t shed many tears at the time, but I immediately felt better. I told my partner Steve my thoughts later and he just looked at me and said, “Duh.” Looking at the way the last month or two have been, my depression is obvious now, but it was hard to see it and even harder to admit and come to terms with. I suffered some depression during our pregnancy and have experienced it in my past, so I have been on guard against it for the last two years. As with many survivors of depression, I have been determined to not let myself fall into it again and to not let it get a hold on me. I think, though, that I have been so busy trying to hold everything together and hold off any chance of depression that this was just adding to the tension, stress and pressure (societal and personal) to be happy and competent in being a new mom, housekeeper, wife, and, oh yeah, taking care of myself (who knew that caring for yourself could become a pressure item on your to-do list?).

As my doctor said recently, all those different pressures can create a “pressure cooker” atmosphere inside us. The connection of mind, spirit and body means that the pressure in the mind and spirit can manifest itself in the body, and also accounts for my undefined sense that what I needed was part medical, part spiritual and part emotional. My doctor also pointed out that once the lid comes off that pressure cooker, the steam is released, the pressure is off, and our equilibrium can start to come back to normal.

The release, for me, seems to need to happen on a recurring basis. This morning I was having another dark mood, but it extended to encompass all activities. I did not want to do anything. I said to Steve that I just felt like curling up into a ball and hiding in a cave. He asked what I meant, if it was physical (we have all been sick lately) and I said that no, I just did not want to do anything, see anyone, be anywhere.

He gave me some advice, having been through a very serious depression himself years ago. He said that I should do whatever I can to keep from going down the slope, because once you get to the bottom, it is very difficult to scramble back up. He suggested I see people, do something. I said that I know (we’ve all done some reading on depression) and that I have been continuing with yoga, sewing, writing, work, parenting, socializing, keeping a regular schedule… what was missing? What could I add to supply the mysterious missing piece? And when the heck was I going to find time—never mind energy—to do it?

Within minutes, I started to feel better. Once again, speaking the words made the feelings disappear. Sometimes labelling or naming symptoms can backfire, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in the mind and body of the affected person. But in this case, speaking the words has given me the power over my experiences.

There is no miracle cure for anything, and life can never be fixed or solved, only managed. These realizations and steps forward are only the beginning of healing. But now that I know what I am facing, I’m more prepared to face it head on and continue back to balance and contentment. I was looking for something to add, an activity or aspect, to life, but it turns out that, in this case, words speak louder than actions.

If this story sounds familiar about yourself or others, my strongest recommendation is to seek or offer support. A supportive, no-pressure environment has been the key to my realizing and accepting things for myself. Over 70 per cent of North Americans suffer from depression at some point, and the primary caregiver of a family’s children makes up a large number of those people. It is unfortunate that there is so much shame and silence around an issue that so many of us face. The more we talk about it, the less scary and, most likely, the less prevalent it will become. And once you do realize what is going on, seek help. Help can come through books, people, yoga and meditation, or physical healing. Try different things and see what works for you.

Erica Fritch is a freelance writer and copy editor living in Victoria with her husband and their 2-year-old daughter. She has created a newsletter and website for parents based on her experiences as a new mom. Sign up for the newsletter at www.nouvellemama.com. This article originally appeared in the April nouvelle mama newsletter and is reprinted with permission.