Teaching My Son How to Not Fight

by Daniel Hughes

Last month my four-year-old son and I were at a friend’s house with lots of kids running in and out—chaos, laughter and noise everywhere. Suddenly, we parents heard screaming and shouting (you know, the kind that makes you stop mid-conversation to figure out if the source of the screaming is your child). Two kids came running to their parents, tears flowing. One child had hit the other—we could see the mark on his face. Both parents tried to understand, through the deep sobs, what had happened.

From the sidelines, another parent offered a suggestion. “You know what my mother used to say: ‘Let them work it out… they’ll be fine.’” With that said, the kids were ushered back into the yard and told, “No hitting. Now go and play.” And off they went.

Problem solved? I don’t think so.

In this instance, the child who hit the other kid was the same age, but a head taller and a lot heavier. He is learning that “might is right,” that force wins. The smaller child is learning that he is incapable and weak.

Letting young children find their own solution when they start to fight doesn’t always lead to them learning how to work things out, how to see another person’s point of view or how to reach a compromise.

To help children learn to work through conflict, Dr. Daniel Weiss, a child psychologist, suggests that parents take the time to specifically teach their kids how to develop good play skills and resolve their differences. Parents can join in for 10-15 minutes while their children are playing—it’s an even better learning environment if your kids are in the middle of conflict, so this is a time when you can actually welcome a bit of sibling rivalry!

A parent’s role in the play session:

• Act as referee and peacekeeper, as well as playmate, to teach skills such as taking turns, trading, negotiating, sharing and collaboration.

• Enforce boundaries with brief time-outs when needed.

• Help kids understand that they can have differences and conflicts with each other and still be friends.

As parents we need to be aware that children watch how we resolve differences and conflict. When children see us discussing a problem, reasoning, and weighing alternative solutions, they learn to do the same. On the other hand, if they see us becoming irritable, abusive, argumentative or overwhelmed by our problems, the lesson is very different.

When we take responsibility for being leaders in our family, we can be excellent role models. How do you demonstrate problem solving to your child through your day-to-day words and actions? How do you deal with your anger? We need to be willing to talk about anger to help our children learn how to work things out with others and be more co-operative.

Children learn to master their anger and frustration and become problem solvers through experience. Challenge them to solve problems while helping them to develop the tools with which to do so. Resist the urge to solve your kids’ problems for them and remind them that it takes more strength and character to work through a conflict than it does to resort to bullying and aggression.

Daniel Hughes is a family psychotherapist based in Victoria. To find out about his Bringing Baby Home workshops, visit victoriafamilytherapy.com.