Take a Deep Breath
by Alan Poole

“Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?” – Mary Oliver

I didn’t want to write this column. I like writing when I get to point out the ironic and sometimes ridiculous things we do as parents. I don’t want to admit that the feeling of being overwhelmed—the one that, in the past, I’ve blamed on the hectic Christmas season—has actually become my normal state of being.

Yes, I am breathing. To be more accurate I’m panting and it’s not a life!

Unlike the mythical frog slowly boiled to death as the pot gets hotter, I know what’s going on. That’s why I ordered up a Piña Colada, hurtled my 6-wheel drive Hummer—dodging street people and surfing the net on my iPhone as I went—down to Blockbuster to rent a copy of An Inconvenient Truth, and watched it alone on my 52" Plasma TV. Sure, I’m overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed with guilt because I do care about the kind of world my great grandchildren will inherit. Therefore, I want to make it known, here, in this public forum, that I am committed to change. I’m aiming to begin February 15, 2050. In the meantime, let’s party!

Okay, let’s get serious. I’m not going to play the smart-ass cynic for another 800 words. I love my kids and I can safely bet that those of you still reading care just as passionately about yours as I do about mine. In fact, the World Values Survey, carried out four times in 46 countries over the past 25 years, has shown that family relationships have the biggest impact on our happiness—both positive and negative—compared to any other factor. Family relationships, close friends, community and work allow us to contribute to a greater good while giving our lives meaning. We all know this—don’t we? And if we do, why are we so often sidetracked and overwhelmed by factors of less importance?

To answer the above questions I’m going to ask you to take a simplified and practical look at human needs and how we meet them. I’ll divide them into four levels. If you disagree with any or all points please feel free to bang your head against the wall. The first level includes all needs that relate to sustenance, survival and safety. If we do not meet these needs we die. Unfortunately, there are millions of people on our planet struggling daily to meet these most basic needs. The second level is needs related to understanding ourselves. The third level relates to understanding and being understood by others. The second and third levels are where we make and share meaning. The fourth level is needs related to creation and contribution or in other words, how we live our values. In summary, when we are fed, sheltered and feel safe, we will look to understand, be understood and find ways to contribute. We have survival needs, connection needs and contribution needs.

Our ability to meet our higher level needs is directly related to how well we perceive—both consciously and subconsciously—that we are meeting our lower ones. This is important to keep in mind because this perception that our lower level needs are not being met is what locks us into adopting life strategies that do not add to the quality of our lives and stops us from reflecting on whether or why that may be true.

Advertisers assume two things deserving of challenge: that when you accept happiness as measured in terms of production and consumption (Gross Domestic Product), your survival as well as happiness will seem dependant upon having bigger, better and more. If you do not have bigger, better and more you should therefore be unhappy. As it turns out this is actually true. Canadians and Americans are suffering from depression in ever-increasing numbers. Bigger, better and more is a moving target that is always just out of reach.

If happiness really can be measured in terms of GDP then people from low income countries should be downright miserable. They are in fact happier than we are. Why? Because they have not abandoned family, friends and community support in order to have bigger, better and more. Compared to low-income countries, we have bigger, better and more stuff and we are much more likely to suffer from depression.

According to developmental psychologist Robert Kegan, author of In Over Our Heads, a human being is a meaning-making process. Each of us holds a view of the world, an internal logic from which we act that is consistent with what is meaningful to us, our friends and our families. When our experiences do not fit with the logic we live by, when support systems are not in place, we look to our culture for support. When culture does not support our internal logic, we are faced with a stressful choice: change, challenge, resist or cope. Coping, unfortunately, in the forms of addiction, cynicism and depression is what we often settle for. If you can accept the idea that increasing consumption is not the road to happiness, I’m suggesting instead the subversive acts of changing and challenging instead of resisting and coping.

When I asked parents the question, “What is the one thing you wish you’d known about parenting before you had children?” the top answers were, “How quickly time would pass”… “That it would be so much fun”… “That I could lighten up and enjoy my kids more.” Not one parent said, “I’d need a bigger house, car, TV, etc.” or “That my kids should have been enrolled in more activities or done more homework.” Parents, we are overwhelmed, struggling, overworking, and failing in support of ideas that are not consistent with what is most meaningful to us. Time is one thing we cannot buy. We can only spend it. What matters to you? What brings you happiness? Listen—are you barely breathing and missing your life?

Alan Poole is the father of two fabulous teens, a writer, parent educator and sports conditioning coach.