The Skip Generationby Andrea LavigneMandy Dodgshon jokes that she and her husband Dave never had a chance to even think about “empty nest syndrome” after raising their two children, now both in their 20s, before being plunged into parenthood again when their grandson Tristan was born four years ago.
After the Dodgshon’s son walked out of the picture, Mandy and Dave chose to be a part of his former girlfriend’s life and her new baby.
“We were kind of co-parenting from the start,” says Mandy of Tristan’s mom. “We both think it’s odd, but we both have deep respect for each other.”
After experimenting with different living arrangements, both sides decided it was in Tristan’s best interest to remain with his grandparents.
The Dodgshons are part of a growing legion of grandparents raising grandkids, otherwise known as the “skip generation.” While the latest census numbers have yet to be tallied, the 2001 census reported 56,700 grandparents have taken guardianship of their grandkids, with 8,780 of that number living in B.C.
Grandparents assume guardianship for myriad reasons: abuse, neglect, mental health issues, drug additions and death of the parent(s) being among the possibilities.
The thousands of seniors that take on this responsibility often forfeit the joys of being the indulgent grandparent—seldom are they the secret ally, the special friend, or the bearer of baked goods. The majority of grandparents take on their new responsibilities between the ages of 45 and 64, but the last census reported more than 1,300 grandparent caregivers were 75 years or older.
On the second-time around, grandparents have the experience, but not the energy. They are focused on retirement savings, not college funds. And the grandchildren may have numerous challenges—emotional or physical—from fetal alcohol spectrum disorder to developmental disabilities.
“I have to say that my one word for parenting as a grandparent is ‘exhausting,’” says Mandy.
Tristan was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
“He has huge tantrums, manic-type tantrums and you can see very clearly how difficult that would be to manage for a new young mom,” Mandy says.
Although she has the experience of being a mom the first-time around, she struggles with MS—a condition she’s lived with for 20 years. Dave works full-time, while Mandy continues to work part-time and look after Tristan.
Tristan needs specialized care so the Dodgshons have been reluctant to leave him with anybody. In the last two years, they’ve been out twice.
“We haven’t been willing to leave him because he has abandonment issues,” she said. “So that seems like a very cruel thing to do to a little guy who has not invited this life.”
What’s missing for Mandy and Dave is support. They’ve applied for respite care, but they are considered low priority. The result has been a huge blow to their social life.
“I deeply miss my friends. We get invited to things and we don’t even get around to returning the phone calls sometimes.”
Late night movies, dinner and drinks, an evening at the Belfry have become things of the past, or maybe the distant future.
Instead of going out with friends, Mandy has found herself going to children’s birthday parties and trying to fit in with the new moms.
“It’s interesting going to birthday parties with people who are not that much older than our children.”
The social isolation of grandparents raising grandchildren was recently recognized by the Parent Support Services of B.C., who responded by establishing a support group of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren in James Bay this summer.
Kealey Pringle, project co-ordinator of the James Bay support circle, says grandparents raising grandchildren often feel a sense of isolation.
“They’re kind of invisible,” says Pringle. “People just don’t realize how many grandparents there are raising their grandkids.”
Despite having different stories, Tina Pearson, program director of the Parent Support Services Society says, “What’s really interesting is the incredible bond the grandparents have.”
Jeanne Van Alstein, who attended the circle’s open house in July, says there is often an “immediate connection” between members.
“It was wonderful to have people who have been down the same road listen and care,” she says.
Van Alstein’s story is slightly different from the Dodgshons, in that she’s raising her 10-year-old granddaughter by herself. Van Alstein assumed guardianship last June after her granddaughter made it clear she didn’t want to return to her mother, who suffers from substance abuse issues.
“It was definitely (her) choice,” Van Alstein says.
For Van Alstein, there was no choice. She was troubled by her granddaughter’s “unpredictable” situation and called the police. When the Ministry of Children and Family Development stepped in, Van Alstein offered to care for her granddaughter. Despite sharing an incredible bond with her granddaughter, the last year has been a grieving process, she says.
“I’m grieving for a daughter who no longer feels like a daughter because I’ve had to let go of trying to take care of her. I’m also grieving a life that was, a way that was, a freedom.”
While Van Alstein, 57, wasn’t planning on retiring until she was 65, she was living a comfortable life. But the sudden financial stress of raising a child is daunting.
When her granddaughter came to live with her last June, Van Alstein was laid off for the summer from her job as a special needs assistant at Victor school.
“Last summer was very frightening… there was no financial assistance provided,” she says.
More than three in five grandparents in the last census had not completed high school; more than half were outside the labour force. About 30 per cent of skipped generation households had less than $15,000 annual income. The census also indicated grandmothers are more likely to be out of the work force than their male counterparts (64 to 46 per cent); and grandfathers often typically earn more than grandmothers.
Despite all the financial difficulties, the changes and the stress, Van Alstein says, “I just think in terms of ‘we’ now, not ‘me.’”
Van Alstein’s story is familiar to Barbara Whittington, a University of Victoria professor in the School of Social Work. Whittington conducted a three-year research project on grandmothers raising grandchildren from 2002-05. The study—an in-depth look at 22 women’s experiences, all from the Greater Victoria area—focused on grandmothers, the 90 per cent of caregivers looking after grandchildren.
The interviews lasted three to four hours and each story echoed with similarities: feelings of isolation; loss of their own peer group; anger at their own child for not taking responsibility for the grandchild; and the financial strain.
One of the toughest questions Whittington asked grandmothers was: What would happen if they weren’t able to do this?
“The look on their faces—I wish I could have conveyed that in the writing.”
Whittington published a Supporting Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Resource Booklet that provides information on financial and legal resources, services and agencies.
The booklet is free to grandparents ($15 to anyone else) and available at
www.parentsupportbc.ca. Look under Services & Programs, click on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Support Circles, then click on GRG: Background. Or call Barbara Whittington at UVic School of Social Work office at 721-8036.
To join the James Bay Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support circle contact Parent Support Services at 384-8042 or visit the Parent Support Services of BC website at
www.parentsupportbc.ca.
Andrea Lavigne is a freelance writer living in Victoria.
Other Canadian Resources:1.) CANGRANDS
An e-mail support group for Canadian grandparents raising grandchildren.
http://
groups.yahoo.com/group/Cangrands2.) Volunteer Grandparents Society of British Columbia
1755 West Broadway, Suite 409, Vancouver, British Columbia, V6J 1Y1, Ph: (604)736-8271
3.) Parents of Adult Children Addicts
http://
www.geocities.com/Heartland/Estates/5081/index.html
