Saving Relationships & Being the Best Dad

by Daniel Hughes

As a psychotherapist, I work with many couples who have children. I often hear the same story: their relationship started to change after the birth of their first child. Statistics show that the majority of marriages that end in divorce, end somewhere between five and seven years after the kids are born.

There are several reasins for this, but the bottom line for me is that we fathers need to become educated and re-directed in understanding what is involved in parenting. Although I would rather see children with a happy single parent than two who are miserable; two happy parents in the same home is not always possible.

What can you be doing to work on your relationship, both for personal reasons, and to be a positive role model for your children? Here are a few suggestions.

Let your role modelling as a partner and father be a positive legacy for your kids. When we don’t change our patterns, history simply repeats itself and we do to our kids what our parents did to us. Let’s change some things. Let’s get smarter. Let’s get more involved in the process of defining our happiness as men and as fathers.

Moving Through Time Together
Have you become a “We” or are you still living as a “Me”? Do you feel part of a team? Or is your partner running the parenting show? Talk about what being a dad looks like for you—not just the joy, but the surprises and the disappointments as well. Make sure you both get a chance to express your thoughts and beliefs.

Knowing Each Other’s Inner Psychological World
Increase your awareness by making a mental “map” of your partner’s inner world. Take the time to know one another better, stay involved in learning each other’s history, concerns, preferences, daily activities, life dreams, likes and dislikes.

Fondness and Admiration
Express affection and respect during very ordinary moments, recognizing the positive aspects of each other’s personality.

Bids and Turning Toward
For a relationship to be satisfying there needs to be a rich climate of positive rather than negative events. A “bid” is defined as the way a person expresses what they need at the moment. Develop the habit of turning toward your partner rather than away. Let your bids be for emotional connection in small natural ways, like opening a door, telling a joke, helping with dinner or folding the laundry… it all adds up to being a team player.

Creating a Culture of Appreciation
Have a positive perspective in your relationship. Believe in your partner and give them patience or the benefit of the doubt when things go wrong.

Understanding Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression
Baby Blues are caused by hormonal shifts and begin approximately two to three days after giving birth. You can massage your partner, talk about the stress, give her the time to rest, make sure she is eating well, and allow others to help with the baby.

Daily Stress-Reducing Conversation
Talk about the stressors in your lives outside of your relationship. Listen and offer support.

The Four Warning Signs of Relationship Meltdown
1. Things are more negative than positive in your relationship
2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: too much criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling
3. One or both people in the relationship is often overwhelmed
4. Attempts to repair the relationship fail

Regulating Conflict
Avoid fighting in front of your children. Instead, set a problem-solving meeting time for you and your partner. Don’t discuss issues that might upset you in front of your kids. Don’t discuss problems during meal times.

Four Steps of Constructive Problem Solving
1. Softened start-up. The first three minutes of how a problem is raised will determine how well the discussion proceeds.
2. Accept influence. Try to understand your partner’s way of thinking.
3. Repair the interaction and de-escalate.
4. Compromise

Preserving Intimacy and Romance in the Relationship
It is critical that a couple maintains relationship intimacy. Transition into parenthood makes this very difficult. Make this a priority—sometimes sex might need to be scheduled, but not when you are both exhausted. Increase your physical non-sexual affection; lots of hugs and more tenderness.

The Importance of Fathers
It is crucial for a healthy father-child relationship that dads recognize the value of their parenting role and not get subtly pushed out of the house, only to retreat into spending more time at work or busy with a solitary hobby. Fathers tend to foster independence in children, giving them more freedom to explore and encouraging adventure. Our greatest gender difference in parenting is our style of play; we are more physical and tactile. All of our rough and tumble play predicts better self-control abilities in children. The more emotionally involved a father is by the time a child turns four indicates how socially competent that child will be when they are eight and social skills are far more important.

A father’s emotional involvement, emotion coaching, and style of play with his children predicts:
• Better self control abilities
• Acceptance of the child by peers in school
• Better social competence and emotional intelligence
• Higher verbal ability test scores
• Better academic performance
• Increased empathy as adults
• Better social relationships in mid-life (marital, kids, community)

Creating Shared Meaning and Values
Create rituals of connection. Identify with your partner what shared meanings you have and decide what new meaning you want to add. Shared meaning deepens “We-ness” in your relationship and leads to greater stability in relationships with friends, family and coworkers. Talk about your dreams and aspirations.

If you can be conscious of even half of the content on this list, you are on your way. Don’t wait till you have to go looking for a counselor to help you out of a mess—I’ve just given away all the secrets! For free!

Daniel Hughes is a family psychotherapist based in Victoria. To find out about his Bringing Baby Home workshops, visit victoriafamilytherapy.com.