Post-Separation Parenting Strategies
by Karen ChesterSeparation. The object is to increase the distance between two people whose partnership is no longer functional. Right? Right. Except when those two people have children—then separation and divorce can become more complicated.
DonnaRose Law, a group facilitator with B.C. Families in Transition (BCFIT), says that almost any topic can cause conflict between separating parents. Focussing on the worst—things gone wrong, done wrong, or just done differently—in each other puts both parents on the defensive and can lead to feelings that include fear and anger. These emotions can cause couples to erect barriers that not only affect them, but ultimately, affect their children too.
So what can parents going through a separation do to help the process go more smoothly?
First, says Law, parents should focus on what they can do—for themselves, for their children—rather than focussing on the other parent. Believing that there are things a person can do lessens feelings of helplessness. Second, Law advises that each parent tries to see the potential in the other. In most circumstances, a child needs to be in contact with both parents and even if the other parent is absent, a child needs to maintain a positive sense of that person in their lives. Law acknowledges that trying to see and articulate positive attributes in an ex-spouse can be difficult and takes time.
Family counsellor Alistair Findlay warns couples to resist the urge to vilify the other—where the former “love of my life” becomes the “lazy so-and-so,” or worse.
“Children get caught in the middle of these interactions,” says Findlay, “and in the worst-case scenario are used as pawns for one or the other parent to achieve his or her ends.”
During a separation, Findlay recommends that parents:
• Create a space for interaction that does not involve the children listening to your negotiations.
• When interacting with your former partner, imagine that your children are listening to your conversation. Imagine the impact of what you are saying on your children.
• Some parents stop interacting civilly with one another long before they separate and are incapable of having a reasonable conversation about their children. In this case, Findlay recommends a third party—a mediator, or go-between, but not one of the children.
• Keep your love for your children at the forefront of the separation process:
– love does not put the children in the middle of an argument
– love does not expect the children to report on the other parent’s behaviour
– love does not demand allegiance or a certain level of affection from the other person
– love does not demand that a child take sides.
– love does put children in the middle of the kind of love which allows the other parent to be a parent in the best possible sense of that word
– love does honour and take into account the feelings of the children involved.
Richard Routledge, executive director of BCFIT, explains that in families where one parent has been violent or abusive, the most urgent concern is a child’s safety. “Seeing the potential” in a violent or abusive parent might not be appropriate. If a child feels that a parent has been irresponsible, or acted in an immoral manner, or in a way that violates them, then that sense of intuition must be acknowledged and honoured.
Recommended resources:
• Because Life Goes On (a publication of the Public Service Agency of Canada)
• BC Families in Transition: Up-to-date information on separation and divorce. Individual, couple, and family counselling, including programs such as Caught in the Middle, Parenting with a New Partner, Evolutions, and Lives in Transition. Phone 250-386-4331 or 1-877-386-4333 or visit
www.bcfit.org/• Single Parent Resource Centre: Phone 250-385-1114 or visit
www.singleparentvictoria.ca.
Karen Chester of Ravensong Consulting is a freelance writer, editor and poet. The daily antics of her two children remind her that human beings are incredibly resilient and that laughing just plain feels good.
