Parents Just Wanna Have Fun

by Carly Sutherland

I like to think that with two years of parenting experience under my belt (funny how it feels longer than that!), I can say with confidence that certain excursions, such as perusing fine china shops, or an evening spent enjoying Scandinavian death metal, don’t exactly lend themselves well to a child-friendly outing.

However, it is often the most benign of excursions—when coupled with naïveté, inexperience, unrealistic/developmentally inappropriate expectations and distorted memories—that can go terribly, terribly awry. If there’s anything I’ve learned thus far, it’s that there is no greater kiss of death for a well-intended family outing than to declare “Well, THIS will be fun!” as I foolhardily sling the diaper bag over my shoulder and head out the door.

Allow me to share some personal experiences.

Attempt at Fun #1: The Beach
When thinking back to my own childhood, I recall blissful afternoons of sun, surf and sand castles, and free rein to consume potato chips and 7-Up in endless quantities. When I first attempted a beach day with my young son, I wondered if the photographic evidence showing my parents having a whale of a time was due to the fact that public alcohol consumption was less frowned upon at that time. Highlights included a sand and seaweed buffet (followed by several alarming diapers), hysterical sobbing induced by the great injustice of being forced to wear sunscreen and a hat, and the kind of gear hauling expected from Saharan camels.

Attempt at Fun #2: Road Tripping
I think road trips used to be a lot more fun when kids could let loose in the back of the wood-paneled station wagon, free to moon passing vehicles and engage in general horseplay. Now that pesky safety regulations keep kids strapped into car seats until junior high school or thereabouts, incidents of back-arching tantrums have skyrocketed, according to my completely unscientific anecdotal study. I see why people get DVD players installed, I really do. “I Spy” can only take you so far. I blame the 21st century for taking the fun out of this one.

Attempt at Fun #3: The Museum
We were so confident this would be fun that we bought an annual family membership before even stepping in the door. Look, for most people I’m sure that the museum is fun. But chances are they don’t have to spend the entire time keeping a rangy toddler out of the babbling brook in the Coast Forest Diorama. Also, they don’t have to live with the fact that the museum’s number one attraction for our intended appreciator is the escalator, when the one at the Bay Centre is free. Sigh.

Attempt at Fun #4: The Farmer’s Market
I see lots of market parents strolling hand in hand with their children, swaying to the delightful folksy music and debating the merits of Braeburns versus Cortlands. Of our 20-minute long market visits, approximately two of them would qualify as relaxing. Those brief moments of respite come when the little one is shoveling mini doughnuts into his mouth. The rest of the time is spent consoling him because either a) we have to wait 43 seconds to be served said mini doughnuts or b) he has eaten all his mini doughnuts and will have to wait until next weekend for more. While this cycle of consoling-gorging-consoling is occurring, one of us frantically attempts to stock up on a week’s worth of swiss chard and beet greens that, despite the most earnest modeling and encouragement, only we will eat. Once again: fun! As I write this, I am organizing last-minute details for a weekend trip to the ski hill. That’s right, the ski hill.

Why? you ask. Because darn it, we’re just fun-loving parents and we’re going to keep trying. Because what else could a child who hates hats, mittens, boots, the cold in general, and long drives possibly want more? And, obviously, because we never learn.

Carly Sutherland has revised her personal definition of fun to “a three-minute period during which nobody cries or soils themselves.” Parents of well-behaved children can send unsolicited advice to carlyjansutherland@gmail.com.