Parenting Effectively
by Allison Rees

"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." Author Unknown.

The following 16 tips will help you navigate the ever-changing, ever-challenging waters of parenthood.

1) Encouragement is the most important aspect of child-raising and the absence of it is considered the primary cause for misbehaviour.

2) A child is rarely aware of the motive behind their behaviour so don’t ask the customary question, “Why did you do that?”

3) Children have a tremendous desire to gain skills and overcome their sense of inadequacy and smallness—give them surmountable challenges.

4) The most important part of your parenting is your ability to control your temper, model cooperation and continue to learn and grow as an individual.

5) Showing respect to your child and being polite when you word things is teaching your child how to be a kind, responsible adult. It just takes them about 19 years to really get it.

6) Instead of nagging children, take action. If you say you are leaving in five minutes, leave and teach your children how to lock the door behind them. Action really does speak louder than words.

7) Learn as a parent what you have power over and what you don’t. Invest a lot in the first and let go of the second.

8) The relationship between the parents sets the standard for the rest of the relationships in the family. Start there if you have a lot of sibling rivalry.

9) The solutions to our problems as parents cannot be found immediately and there are no quick fixes or magic pills. You must be willing to be comfortable with not always having an answer or knowing what to do. Just know what you don’t want to do.

10) Don’t forget that you can contribute to children other than your own. Many children have been saved from foolish and risky business just because they had a conversation with their neighbour or a family friend.

11) A very important question to ask yourself as a parent: “How was I part of creating this problem?” Interference, indulgence, overprotection, neglect, perfectionism, anger, stress, nagging, rescuing… take a look.

12) Calm, reassuring parents have a much better chance of guiding their children to sensible actions.

13) Don’t chase kids around asking, “What’s wrong?” Make them responsible for asking for help when they need it and then you can be all ears (without advice and lecturing). This helps kids see that they need to be active in relationships and move toward family members for help.

14) Structure and routine provide an atmosphere that is safe and less stressful. Whether getting ready in the morning or going to bed, stick to a routine and don’t be afraid to be a little boring.

15) Parent education is not meant to help you produce obedient, selfless children; it is meant to help you identify how normal children behave so you can love and accept them for who they are.

16) If you rescue your kids and don’t have expectations, your home is likely to be a retreat from responsibility. Ask your friends for feedback—are you rescuing your kids, setting appropriate limits, putting out good personal boundaries? Remember to ask somebody who has kids (because we are all perfect parents when we don’t have children).

Dr. Allison Rees is a parent educator/counsellor and a partner in LIFE (Living In Families Effectively) Seminars in Victoria. She can be reached at 595-2649.