On Being (and Parenting) a Boy

by Mike Lowe

When my son was born, my first reaction was shock. Shock specifically that he was, in fact, a boy. Everything in my gut told me we were going to have a girl. My wife has only sisters. I have a sister.

Aside from my having been a boy once long ago, I didn’t feel like I had a clue what to do with one. That said, I think we adapted pretty well and now, seven years on, we’ve got a strong, independent, sensitive, brilliant boy. (It may also come as no surprise to parents of girls that I have discovered I have a much harder time figuring out my daughter—but that’s a discussion for another day!)

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting my boy. Maybe this is because I recently attended a seminar on mentoring boys. Or maybe it’s because I realize we are in the middle of a transformation with my son as we approach his seventh birthday.

Of course one day doesn’t really make a difference—it has been a gradual shift—but there is no doubt that we are moving into uncharted territory. In the early years, transformation comes so quickly that the only thing consistent is change itself. New words and abilities come daily, phases of development are ongoing, and even major achievements are so commonplace they often go by unnoticed.

But for a couple of years now, things have evened out and I feel like I’ve really gotten to know my son as a person. He thinks deeply about things. He is curious about things I never thought a seven-year-old would care about, and he indulges me when I offer long explanations of those things, reminding me of a time when I joked to my own dad that I didn’t want to ask how something worked in the car because I was afraid he would want to pull out the engine to show me.

Yes, my son is moving from being a small child to being a “big kid.” Not the kind of big kid we tell our toddlers they are to convince them to put on their own shoes or that they’re ready to move from a crib to a bed, but a real big kid who requires and deserves more independence. I mean the kind of kid who is ready to handle more responsibility, who can truly make some decisions for himself and handle the consequences—not to mention a physically big kid, who is solid and strong and fast!

At the seminar, the idea of independence and responsibility was something that resonated with me. The facilitator, Barry MacDonald, showed a simple line graph that illustrated the role of the parent diminishing on a steady course from birth to age 19. The flip side is that the role of the child must grow at the same rate to keep things in balance. The illustration served as a reminder that I need to be both open to letting my son take on new challenges when he offers, and to look for areas where I should be encouraging him to take on more responsibility.

Recently, when we went for dinner at a restaurant as a family, my son’s changing needs hit home for me. He was having a grumpy day and was pretty irritable—perfect conditions for hearing what he really thinks! Every time he opened his mouth he was whining or being rude, and each time, we offered correction for his behaviour. He eventually shot back, “You don’t have to tell me everything!”

Right. I heard this from Barry MacDonald, too: “Unsolicited advice is poisonous.” Time to find new ways to approach the boy, ways that aren’t nagging or critical or always corrective, but that demonstrate compassion and model respect.

With a new phase comes new challenges, but I welcome them. I have heard from many people that this age—from about seven to 10 years old or so—can be the best years of parenting. I have also heard parenting teens is just plain hard. So I am determined to make these in-between years count.

Mike Lowe is a Victoria dad of a boy and a girl, and assistant producer of the Vancouver Island Baby Fair.