Oh, Baby

by Karen Platt

My 12-year-old daughter just found out that her friend’s 18-year-old sister is unexpectedly pregnant. The soon-to-be grandparents, though now supportive, originally reacted with shock, anger and blame. My daughter doesn’t understand why they aren’t excited; she’s thrilled at the impending baby shower. How can I explain the grandparent’s reaction to my daughter, and make the most of this “teachable moment?”

Ahhh to be 12. Don’t you miss those days when life happened exclusively in the moment? Hey, your daughter sees a party—and a good one at that. I suspect she hasn’t yet experienced grown women in ribbon hats, vibrating with excitement over a new breast pump, organic cotton diapers or a bag made of recycled juice boxes. And there’s little question she is not thinking about sleepless nights, playground hazards, sleepover dates, how much TV to allow, music lessons, missing homework, raging hormones or any of the millions of other joys and concerns that define the word “parent.” As far as she’s concerned, babies are fun and cute and cuddly and a great excuse for gifts and cake. What’s to complain about?

But—to be an adult. And aware that a “teachable moment” has been handed to you in a bamboo Snuggli. “Unexpectedly” pregnant is always good for a few miles on the education highway. As with all of these communication gifts, however, the trick is to use the moment to inspire awareness and critical thinking in your child—the elusive “aha” moment—rather than to lecture and finger-point.

Babies, as most of us over-12s understand, are indeed wonderful things, but they are around for a long, long time and they don’t come with a return policy. Your daughter doesn’t see that yet; a 12-year-old’s cognitive development limits her ability to project into the future.

This teachable moment is about helping her grasp some of the less obvious consequences of parenthood, some wonderful, others less so. You don’t say exactly why those grandparents were angry so I can only project a few possible reasons, all worth some discussion with your daughter.

Is the 18-year-old in a relationship? Does she know who the father is? Is he around, involved and supportive of having a child? If he is, great, but there’s still lots to think about.

Is the young woman still in high school? Does she plan to finish? Does she have a job? Career plans? Does he? Could your daughter imagine what would be involved in finishing school with a new baby? What might happen if the mom decided not to finish school? How might having a baby impact everyone’s future plans?

If the father’s not in the picture, why not ask your daughter what she thinks it might be like to raise a baby on her own, to think about what a baby might need and how a young woman might provide for a child without help. Perhaps she expects the parents or grandparents to pitch in. What would that be like for a grandparent; someone who may have other plans for their lives right now? Is it fair to expect that? Would that be a reason to be angry?

What about birth control? Here is an ideal time to discuss birth control options. I know, your 12-year-old is not likely to need condoms or the Pill in the near future, but studies show that the more kids know before having sex, the more likely they are to use protection when they do. Does she know where to get birth control and other sexual health information? (The Island Sexual Health Society is a great local resource: www.islandsexualhealth.org.)

Hey, baby showers are fun—at least some might think so. But, just as a marriage is about more than the wedding, a baby shower marks only the beginning of a lifelong relationship. Don’t ignore the celebration but help your daughter see that a baby is a great deal more than cute clothes and Steiff toys. This is an opportunity to share your values about pregnancy, birth control, responsibility and more, and help your daughter begin to formulate her own moral code. After all, you won’t be there when she’s making real life decisions about sex. And, what they never tell you at the shower is that time arrives all too soon.

Karen Platt, MA, is a sexual health educator who works with parents and youth. Send questions to karen@islandparent.ca.