Does it Really Take a Village?
by Daniel HughesThe year before my son was born, I went to Africa for seven weeks. One of the highlights of that trip was going off the beaten path to my safari guide’s village to meet his children… he had eight of them (and four wives, but that’s another story!). Two things immediately stood out for me: how happy everyone was when they had so very little, (and we whine about the HST?); and how the children were disciplined by all of the people in the village.
I shared my observations with my guide, he smiled and said, “Here, everyone is responsible for teaching children to become good people…it’s natural for everyone in our village to invest in how our children learn and who they become.”
Today, as a parent looking back on that experience, I wonder why we have all become afraid to discipline other people’s children.
The word “discipline” comes from the word “disciple,” which means, “One who is learning.” We discipline so that our children will learn. We all get that, but what about other people’s children? Why are we afraid to help them learn as well? Why is it no longer PC to jump in and discipline a child who is clearly unruly and behaving inappropriately when their parent is either not around, or not paying attention?
Today, we are the most wired yet least connected generation in history. We are more likely to e-mail or text than to pick up the phone. Children’s schedules are jam packed with sport activities, tutoring, music lessons, and religious and language classes, to name a few extra-curricular activities. It makes sense that most people don’t feel any real sense of responsibility for the children next door—we hardly know them. Discipline no longer seems to be a collaborative effort among parents. I believe that a common sense of purpose with our children, once a given, appears to be lost in our culture.
Dr. Ron Zodkevitch, a child psychiatrist and a Family Circle Health Advisory Board member, says that in his 30 years as a family therapist, he has never seen a generation of mothers and fathers so guilt-ridden and overwhelmed with their lives and their role as disciplinarians. “Even a fairly mild suggestion from another parent that their kid needs to be reined in comes across as both an indictment and a personal attack because we see our kids as extensions of ourselves.
“Since we all have moments when we doubt our own ability to parent effectively, we don’t have the confidence to question other people’s skills in that arena. And last but not least, if we grant ourselves permission to judge others, then we’re saying it’s okay for them to judge us. That can be a terrifying thought for some insecure parents. Why open the door? Better to keep to yourself and expect others to do the same thing. In short, no harm, no foul.”
I don’t know about you, but I’d like to know that when my son is with other families, that those parents are being positive role models and teaching him to become a better person, that they are choosing to invest in his growth in learning how to be respectful and kind to others, and will not be afraid to do this through discipline (that is, teaching him) when the need arises.
The following five steps are a rough outline or guide I use when it comes to my behaviour with other people’s children in our home, or when I’m with my son out in public.
1. Get very clear about what discipline means to you. Do you use time-outs or take away privileges when your own children misbehave? If so, will you use these methods with other people’s kids while they are under your care? Have you discussed this with their parents? Having clarity will help you know what your rules and boundaries are before they are challenged.
2. When you know what your rules are, feel confident about those rules in your own home. Do not be shy about explaining the house rules, both to the parents and the child when they first start coming over. Are you a shoes on/off house? No running? Do you wash your hands before dinner? Inside voice all the time? Certain rooms off limits? Say grace when you eat? Making these things clear by explaining them in the beginning sets everyone up to succeed. Then, when the rules are challenged, you can dole out a consequence by taking something away or calling their parents for a pick up.
3. Out in public, or in a large group activity, when children can get wound up and out of hand, give the parent of an unruly child a chance to respond before you get involved. You can do this diplomatically by saying something like, “What are the kids up to now?” which will draw their attention away from adult conversation back onto the children. You don’t always have to single out anyone; that parent will figure things out.
4. Enforce safety at all costs. If, for example, a parent is not present or responding when I see their child pushing down another child, I will take action and remove the child from the group, no matter how angry the parent might get at me.
At my house, we have a trampoline. I explain the rules to every new child. If they don’t follow the rules, they are not allowed to continue bouncing. Once all of the kids are safe, I’ll let the parent take over, or impose a time out if the parent isn’t there. Safety first.
5. Don’t always jump in when kids are having conflict or disagreements. Wait to see if they can works things out on their own. All kids will argue, and it’s important for them to learn to compromise with others. Most often, the argument will get resolved and soon be forgotten. But, if things get so heated that kids can’t calm down and start being hurtful, it’s time to step in and talk about choices and consequences.
If any of you see my son misbehaving, please, don’t be shy, be kind, but help me to teach him to be the very best person he can be in this world! I will always welcome that, I do believe it takes a village.
Daniel Hughes is a family psychotherapist based in Victoria. To find out about his Bringing Baby Home workshops, visit victoriafamilytherapy.com.
