Body Boundaries

by Karen Platt

My daughter is almost four. She recently told me that a friend’s male child who is six “put his finger in my vagina and it hurt and I didn’t like it!” She told me three days after it happened. I took the opportunity to discuss good touching/bad touching, private areas and we practiced what she should do if another situation such as this came up. The boy’s parents are friends of ours. They took the incident quite seriously and consulted an expert on what to do. They’d like to get together socially, but I don’t want this to happen again. Should I talk to my doctor? Do you have any books or articles you can point me toward?

For the record, it sounds like you handled the situation perfectly. You didn’t freak out (as many parents might), you used it as a teachable moment, spoke to the parents directly, and expressed your concerns without creating defensiveness—resulting in them taking you and the situation seriously and consulting a professional about their son’s behaviour. That’s a lot!

So, is there cause for concern?

Curiousity about bodies is absolutely a “normal” part of sexual development. Many young children play “doctor” or peek at each other’s “private parts.” When it’s playful, consensual, silly or fun, and when they are approximately the same age and size, there’s not likely much to worry about. Under those circumstances, parents can either take a deep breath and ignore it or divert the behaviour (Anyone for the park… or watching Dora… or reading a story?).

However, as you’ve obviously assessed, those criteria—age, size, power, “consent” —are essential ones that parents (and children) need to be aware of.

And yes, there are some red flags here: first, the boy is three years older than your daughter and in a different developmental phase. He is likely bigger, leading to a power inherent in being a big kid. She probably looks up to him; a form of power in a toddler’s world.

Second, while six-year-olds are curious about bodies, when it comes to sexual exploration, they will generally play with kids their own age and gender. And while penetration with objects is not unheard of, it is not as common when kids explore each other.

Third is the fact that your daughter said she didn’t like it. It’s impossible to know whether she felt coerced in the moment (it might have seemed fun, then not fun, or she might have said “no” all along), but if she doesn’t want to or if it hurts, it’s not okay. Again, the fact that he’s older and bigger skews the power dynamic.

It sounds like the parents were concerned and responded quickly. That’s a good sign. While there may be little of concern aside from over-enthusiastic curiousity, there are certainly behaviours that warrant follow-up. As far as not socializing with the parents, that’s your call. If the kids are together under supervision there may be no issue, particularly if the boy’s parents are aware of the situation and you feel comfortable with the follow through.

It is unlikely that one incident—particularly considering how responsible and calm you’ve all been—will have any lasting impact on your daughter (often a parent’s panicked response is the most traumatizing thing). Hopefully the boy is learning better boundaries or is getting help for some issues that have been brought to the forefront. Of course if your daughter is uncomfortable around the boy that needs to be respected and addressed.

Certainly, talk to your doctor if you feel doing so will clarify any questions you have. Your doctor should be a good resource, and certainly if you have any concerns—for instance, your daughter seems traumatized, is feeling vaginal pain or is preoccupied with the incident—absolutely speak to him or her.

Above all, remember that your daughter now knows she can tell you things, that she is taken seriously and  respected. And that’s all good.

Karen Platt, MA is a sexual health educator. Send questions to karen@islandparent.ca.