Be Mine

by Karen Platt

My 12-year-old daughter recently announced that she has a boyfriend. She has always been more interested in soccer and piano than boys but most of her friends have “boyfriends.” Some of these friends are quite developed but my daughter still looks and acts fairly immature. I’m worried she is trying to keep up with them even though she really isn’t ready for relationships yet. We like this boy but he is also really young. I don’t know if this is just a phase. Should I say nothing or discuss my concerns?

The great news is that your 12-year-old daughter shared the fact that she has a boyfriend. Without minimizing your concerns, remember she obviously feels like she can talk to you; don’t underestimate how important that simple knowledge is to her overall well-being.

So, the BF. What does it mean to a Grade 7 pre-teenager to be “going steady?” And should a parent worry?

For better or worse, our society seems to be obsessed with the idea of “pairs.” From a very early age we are bombarded with messages that essentially say we are worth more if we are a part of a duo (and a heterosexual duo at that). And, having a boyfriend has been a particular route to social acceptance for girls for a long, long time (just ask great-Grandma). While I may not approve of BFs as a means of gaining popularity, it’s an unfortunate reality many parents will need to confront at some point in a child’s development.

So your daughter seems to be right on the developmental mark; middle school is often the time when boys and girls start dancing around the dating tree. Mostly this comes down to peer pressure. Okay, and hormones. And, although our kids are way more media-saturated and exposed to more sexual imagery than we were, I don’t think the pressure is very different than it was way back when I was 12. Call me what you will, but I went “steady” with about six different guys in Grade 7 (and I was pretty “monogamous” by today’s standards). We’d make a big pledge accompanied by the giving of 75¢ rings from Kresge, hang out at recess with a big co-ed group of friends, pass notes in class and lead our normal lives after school—sports, homework, TV, whatever. There wasn’t a lot of hand-holding, much less kissing or sex, involved. The relationship might last a couple of weeks. It was “cool” to be going steady but it didn’t really mean much more than that. Yes, we played the odd game of Spin-the-Bottle, and while the kissing was exciting, it didn’t lead to anything other than lots of teasing from the other kids.

But these early forays into dating are important steps in sexual development. With hormones making themselves known, bodies are changing and children may be becoming aware of each other differently.

“However fleeting, the preteen contacts among children will move their sexual development one more important step forward,” write sex educators Justin Richardson and Mark Schuster.

This relationship is a small, necessary step onto the ladder of sexual maturity but it seems your daughter is still far from the top rung. The fact that her boyfriend is also “very young,” that she has other interests and that she told you about him, indicate you can probably relax. The red flags pop up when teens start to give up favourite activities for a boy (or girl) friend, when they become secretive, when one is continually phoning, messaging or texting the other, when there is a big age difference between them, when relationships with friends or family change suddenly, when they seem afraid of a boy (or girl) friend.

As always, talking is good; lecturing is not. Listening is best. Your daughter seems open and there are important things to chat about. The “facts” of the early years are easy compared to the “feelings” that crop up as we mature. Kids want to talk with their parents. Your support, wisdom and availability are a gift that can help her navigate these increasingly complex waters safely and joyfully.

Karen Platt, MA, is a writer and sexual health educator. Send questions to karen@islandparent.ca.