Island Parent Blog

Actions speak louder than words

2008-02-26T17:49:00.000-08:00

As I was preparing for a workshop on Trust, which I have written about in my blogs before, I came across a brilliant quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It hit me like a brick. It is a powerful statement that we as parents and adults need to remember as we deal with our youth.

It reflects the meanings of commonly known quotes like:

Actions speak louder than words.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

These are wise sayings but sometimes I think we forget about the impression we are creating in our children's and teen's minds when we try to "cheat" the system. Small lies about ages of a child/teen to save money on a ticket (to a show, on a bus or ferry, or for whatever the age specific ticket may be) tell our youth that it's okay to lie in order to get a better price. What about being charged less for an item at the grocery store or in a restaurant and not saying anything to the server? What's our message here?

As parents, we're trying to set examples.

As parents, we're trying to be role models.

As parents we need to remember this:

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."

The importance of listening

2008-02-19T10:10:00.000-08:00

"Are you listening or waiting to speak?"

There is a profound difference between the two and often I catch myself doing the latter instead of the former.

As parents if we stepped back and truly listened we would actually find out more about our children and their thoughts than by asking questions. So often our questions are answered with one syllable words or grunts or if the replies are truly in sentence form, we jump in with comments or more questions.

Sometimes we need to just stop talking and listen.

Silence can be a golden opportunity that might be filled by a child's or teen's voice about what is important to them.

Try listening and hold off on the speaking.

A Parent's "Bucket List"

2008-02-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

Recently I saw the movie "The Bucket List" starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. On reflection I felt it provided a TWO messages for parents.

Sitting atop the Pyramids, Morgan Freeman's character poses a question to Jack Nicholson's character. He stated that the ancient Egyptians believed that when they died, they were asked two questions before they could pass onto eternal life.

1. Have you ever experienced true joy in your life?

2. In your life, have you ever brought anyone else joy?

These questions struck me as one of those lessons or goals in life where we as parents model behaviours for our children about "living and giving." Question #1 concerns how we actually "live" our own life while question #2 relates to the way we "give" to others.

The second thought that I had on viewing the movie was the importance of setting some goals in our lives as individuals and as parents. These goals, as Freeman's character said, are not about specifically about money or property but about outcomes or experiences we would like to have or share with others. Again it is about "living and giving."

When I thought about the idea of a bucket list, I was a little stumped as to what I would put on it. The two characters in the movie brainstormed a list and then went out to check off the each accomplishment.

I invite you to share an idea from your parental bucket list by posting a comment.

Greeting Ritual

2008-02-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

Think about times when you pick up your child from school. The natural inclination fro you is to ask...

"What did you do today?" "How'd you do on the spelling test?" "Do you have any homework?" Yada yada yada.

It is late at night and your teen needs a ride home. You're ticked off and tired and would rather be at home. Your usual response when you pick him/her up is...

"Why didn't you call earlier?" "You are 15 minutes later than I asked for you to be home.""What did you do tonight?"

Here's an idea that Allison Rees mentioned at a recent taping of our radio show - she calls it the greeting ritual.Author Gordon Neufeld refers to it as "the collecting dance" It's about getting in your child's face in warm and inviting ways.

When you greet your child or teen, don't ask the usual questions that they're tired of hearing or don't give the normal lecture. Don't ask them questions or give them lectures that make them "roll their eyes."

Try something different!

Adopt the greeting ritual.

Tell them a joke or a funny story. Quote an interesting fact that you heard. Tell them something interesting about your day.

Connection with your child or teen is the most important thing in developing the long term goals of parenting.

The 20/80 Rule of Life

2008-01-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

"Do as I say!"

I think we're all agreed that this is not a good adult suggestion to guiding or teaching children.

In fact saying nothing and showing through actions is probably the best way to teach children some of life's lessons.

It was brought home to me during a recent interview on the 40 Developmental Assets, that when surveyed 80% of children/teens said that they learned about important values from watching the behaviours of adults—parents, teachers, relatives,etc. The remaining 20% felt the they did learn from the "Do as I say!" method of teaching.

It all comes back to mentoring and modelling of behaviours. It is important to have adult role models in our children's lives to teach them those positive values. Parents are most often the primary role models in a child's life.

My radio discussion with Keith Pattinson, who presents workshops on the 40 Developmental Assets, really brought home the need for we, as parents, to discuss these 40 assets with our children and find ways to help create these important building blocks of life.

Also remember it's not a test—it's a starting point.

The important "T" of TRUST

2008-01-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Finally we come to TIME. Making the time and taking the time are crucial aspects of creating and maintaining the trust bank account in any relationship.

As parents, making the time means that you set aside time for quality interactions between parent and child.

Taking the time means that you follow through with that commitment.

How often have you heard a person promise to do something at a specific time only to renege on the promise because something came up "that was more important". (What is more important than your child?)If a person is consistent in setting time aside for the child and following through then the odd "something came up" will not drain the trust bank account.

If, however, the something came up is a familiar phrase then first of all don't promise and second of all start finding time. Trust depends on the commitment of time.

This reminds me of Harry Chapin's song "The Cats in the Cradle" which talks about how a child learns about commitment—or more specifically the lack of commitment—from his father.Listen to the song and think about your interactions with your children. If the song rings true, you might look at ways of changing the lack of trust into TRUST by modelling the commitment of spending some quality time.

Making the TIME and taking the TIME rounds out my thoughts on the meaning (and acronym) of TRUST. It's amazing how fast that trust can be built with sincere and committed actions.

"S" is for...

2008-01-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

...SUPPORT.

That's what we as parents do for our children. We support and nurture them. The support is from many dimensions—emotional, physical (including financial, basic needs, etc.) and spiritual—but like unconditional love it is a given.

As we look at TRUST in the raising of our children, a lot comes back to mentoring and modelling behaviours that we as parents exhibit so that our children grow into capable, caring contributors to community (Michael Ungar's terminology). By giving unconditional love and support, our children learn from the mentor—the parent—what it feels like to have the support and love in life and therefore is able to give that same sense to others as they mature.

Just as many abused children may become abusers, a child who has grown in a household that is based upon TRUST becomes a trusted individual in personal and family relationships as well as in the greater community.

In my next blog I will conclude with what I feel is an essential "T".

The "U" in TRUST stands for...

2008-01-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

...Unconditional Love.

Now with Covey's 5 Waves of Trust for individuals, groups and businesses—Self, Relationship, Organizational, Market, and Societal Trust—unconditional love will not make sense. But as parents, part of our children's trust in us comes from an unconditional love that we have for our offspring. Therefore the "U" representing unconditional love in the first two waves—Self and Relationship Trust—works in the realm of the family.

If we place conditions on our love for our child that surely breaks down the foundation of trust. How can a child trust us if they feel or believe there are conditions attached to our love for them?

I propose that Unconditional Love with self and our relationship to our children is paramount to TRUST in family situations.

The "R" of TRUST

2008-01-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I started to explore the word trust using it's acronym T•R•U•S•T

Today the "R" word comes into play. I'd say RESPECT is one of the important aspects of trust. And here's where I sometimes I have a bone to pick with adults in general— parents and teachers in particular. Respect is a two way street. I often hear a parent or teacher asking for respect but not always willing to reciprocate that respect. Just because a person is a child or younger doesn't mean that they too don't deserve respect. Respect isn't about calling a person with the designation of Ms., Mr., Mrs., or whatever, it's about an attitude and a deserved feeling. Over the years, I have heard children using first names of teachers that they truly respected and others using the "title" of Mr., Ms., Sir, and Madam with no feeling of respect attached.

With Self-Trust and Relationship Trust, respect for self and others is really a critical piece. Again if you do not in a sense respect yourself or others how will you in fact engender trust.

T•R•U•S•T and what it all means

2008-01-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

Does your child trust you? Being a parent I hope your answer an unequivocal yes.

But still let's look at trust and see where we all stand.

Remember back to that newborn in your arms, she was very trusting. She had no reason to be otherwise. Over time, does that trust fade and if so, what causes it to diminish? Can we resurrect that feeling of parent-child trust or has it slipped away forever.

After reading Stephen M.R. Covey's book titled The Speed of Trust, I have been doing a great deal of thinking about TRUST and how it plays out in families. Covey talks about the 5 waves of trust with reference to people in businesses and organizations. These waves emanate from Self Trust and continue out through four more waves—Relationship, Organizational, Market, and Societal Trust.

I believe that we, as parents, can gain a great deal from looking at the first two waves—Self Trust and Relationship Trust—in our daily dealings with our children, our spouses and other relationships.

Over the next week I'm going to explore the word trust using it's acronym T•R•U•S•T and by doing so, give it some meaning in the world of families.

I chose TRUTH as the first "T". To fully have self trust or to be trusted by others, one must be truthful in all of their dealings. Being credible instills trust within ourself and with others.

Think of how you have felt when you learned that someone you trusted had lied to you or withheld the truth. That TRUST bank account becomes depleted rather quickly.

TRUTH is a great part but not the only of condition of TRUST.

Let go and let them grow.

2008-01-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

One of my themes over the past while was first taken from Michael Ungar's book Too Safe for Their Own Good.

Raising CAPABLE, CARING CONTRIBUTOR'S to their COMMUNITY is a 4 C'S goal to which we, as parents, should be aspiring. It should be our new mantra. It should be our New Year's Resolution.

(Michael's interview with me will be aired on Village 900 this Sunday January 6th at 9 am. You can check out his book in the sidebar to the right.)

Recently, I interviewed parent educator Kathy Lynn for Island Parent Radio (airing in September) and was struck by the similar message of raising our children (from toddlers to teens) to become capable adults. She makes some great points about how we, as parents, need to give them a chance to develop life skills from an early age. There is even a list of some chores children can handle from the two-year-old on up. Kathy's book is also one of my recommendations for parents of toddlers to teens.

A two-year-old? Think of some things that your two year-old could handle with your assistance.

I often hear parents—Moms especially—saying they like doing things for their children or worse still that they don't feel their older child is capable of making their lunch or a teen to do his laundry. What our we teaching them if we don't start with some independence.

It seems to me that some parents want to keep their children at a certain stage. It doesn't do the child any good and in the end the parent often suffers from the rebellious teen.

Do something for your child this year - let go and let them grow. You and your child will benefit greatly.

Law of Attribution

2007-12-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

The other night in my Parenting Teens workshop that I facilitate, I was sharing what I had learned about the Law of Attraction. I also spoke of yet another law that someone told me about a few days earlier. It is the Law of Attribution.

I don't believe it has much of a following as does the Law of Attraction but in our role as a parent it can help us in certain situations.

Imagine a time when you had know idea where your child or teen was. That void in a time when we simply do not know.

The Law of Attribution deals with that void, that hole, by filling that hole with information, answers or assumptions so we don't sit around "not knowing." It's akin to that noticeable silence in a conversation that we feel compelled to fill.

The need to “fill the hole” is basically the Law of Attribution. Attributing information complete our need to know what's happened even though the assumptions we make, the information we use or the answers we give may be wrong. Often we are even more worried because of the state that we've put ourselves in.

Jumping to conclusions is not always helpful when we find our youth has been delayed at a school practice or stayed longer at a friend's house. The anger rises when they come home cheerily and we've been worried sick. Instead of stating how worried we were , we erupt in anger.

What I was thinking about in this type of situation is that we need to take a deep breath, give our kids a hug and state our need to know where they were.

Sometimes you get what you ask for

2007-12-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

In following with the theme of the Law of Attraction, I have been doing much thinking about the ideas surrounding attracting positive or negative things over the past couple of weeks. It started with the Losier seminar (see my last blog) followed by a radio interview I had with two wonderful young men Brad Morris and Matthew Ashdown who can be found at their Junior Attractors website. (Both of these situations the lunch seminar and the radio interview were unconnected to one another but as with the Law of Attraction popped up within days of each other.)

As I was preparing for my course with parents of teens, I came across a sentence that read:

Ask yourself this question: "If I were to get my teen to swear or call me names, how would I do it?" Your answer may describe how you are doing it.

In other words, we sometimes inadvertently get what we ask for. This is not limited to teens but to all of the phases of childhood throught adult hood. Haven't you ever witnessed a time that a parent, in anger or frustration, yells at their child to stop yelling! Here we go again acting out the behaviours that we want to have stopped.

Another statement that I came across says:

Make sure you are not triggering some of these behaviours (i.e. name calling, swearing, yelling) by doing them yourself or doing triggering behaviours—asking questions, giving orders, not listening, lecturing.

In true Law of Attraction format I will change that statement to read: Make sure you are modelling behaviours that you want to see from your child or teen.

What would you do...

2007-11-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?" Robert Schuller

There are times that I am just struck by a quotation or saying. The above quote certainly struck me at the time as thought provoking.

Too often as adults, parents and children, we may hold back and not try something from the fear of failure.

The other day I was at a lunch and the speaker, Michael Losier, was speaking about the Law of Attraction. He talks about 1) having desires, 2)giving them attention, energy and focus and finally 3) allowing it. The allowing things to happen is the most crucial of the three steps. Losier defined allowing as the absence of doubt.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail? is essentially disregarding or discarding the doubt. That niggling reaction when you are about to start a project or try something new is doubt creeping in. Failure to accomplish follows that niggling feeling — that doubt.

Taking some positive steps as a parent, making some of the desires become a reality is really about feeling in control of your actions and putting the energy forth with no doubt that you can accomplish the task or succeed in achieving the original wish.

When we are dealing with our children's dreams we must be positive in our response and find ways to help them. Throwing "doubt" into the mix may erode self-esteem or parent/child trust.

Death of a child

2007-11-29T09:52:00.000-08:00

It seems that yesterday I was reminded of a youth's death a number of times. As I was up in the Shawnigan area, both the Arena and the Secondary School had messages to the family of Nick a fifteen year old who was hit by a car last week on his way home from school. No rhyme nor reason for it, seems like he was at the wrong place on the road at the wrong time.

Many years ago, a 14 year old student whom I had taught was hit by a car while riding his bicycle. There really was no one to blame.

I can't imagine the pain and anguish that the death of a son or daughter brings to the parent. I have lost my parents and felt that pain but they were older and had lead long and happy lives. I remember Barbara Coloroso, in one of her talks, mentioning it is not the norm for a parent to outlive her/his son or daughter. It happens but is not the usual cycle of life.

As parents when we here of tragic accidents or illnesses resulting in the death of a child, we all experience a shared grief with the parents. We become in a sense a community of parents reaching out directly or indirectly with our quiet thoughts of compassion.

To Nick's family and friends, our thoughts are with you.

Spying on your kids. Where is the trust?

2007-11-22T11:07:00.000-08:00

I was just shown a CBS News Video, The Secret Lives of Teens, which depicts a very situation in which parents have gone to extraordinary lengths. It was very disturbing to me and my colleagues.

Parents of a sixteen year old girl had resorted to spying on their daughter in every conceivable way. Through current available technology, they are entering her life and tracking her every online thought and word. They have set up video surveillance that is reminiscent of CSI operations. And where will it all lead? I suspect that when the daughter finds out and she will find out any trust (and perhaps love) between them will be blown to smithereens.

Bringing up our children in this world does have its challenges. Some children and teens do test the limits of risk with their experimentation with sex, drugs, gangs, the Internet, etc. But how has this couple come to the place that they have resorted to the surveillance technology to invade their child's world. I would contend that they will not win the war here by violating all rules of boundaries but will enlarge the chasm between themselves and their daughter.

Instead of busting all boundaries by this treacherous display of mistrust and invasive behaviours on the parents' part, they should be embarking on engaging their daughter in conversations about risk and responsibility as outlined in Michael Unger's book, TOO SAFE FOR THEIR OWN GOOD (published by McLelland & Stewart), which I spoke about in my blog Risky Behaviours on April 1st of this year and continued in my blog on April 2nd.

I'd love to hear what you think about the video.

Parent as Mentors

2007-11-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

As our children grow older they are looking at us more as mentors and role models than as caregivers and rule makers. I am presently facilitating a group of parents of teens and as I listen to their thoughts and challenges, I realise the importance of role-modelling.

It's no longer a "do as I say" world, which I suspect it has never been. Actions do speak louder than words and if whatever you say is in contradiction to to how you act, the action part will overrule the verbal part. It is so important that as parents—actually as anyone—that our verbal and nonverbal messages are consistent.

I had the pleasure of having lunch with Barbara Coloroso last week when she was in Victoria. Her life is a true example of the verbal being consistent with her actions. Her latest book, Extra Ordinary Evil, is just another demonstration of her commitment and passion for not only children but all of humanity. During our conversation, she spoke of a recent trip to Dubai and how the children growing up in this incredibly wealthy nation maybe hearing about concepts of respect but are not seeing it in action. She gave examples of how young elementary school children treated others including teachers so poorly and disrespectfully.

In some respects, her experience in Dubai is more devastating than the conditions in Rwanda.

What are we teaching our children?

Good and Bad Language of Parenting

2007-11-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

Perhaps we should discard the words good and bad from our parental vocabulary.

In this month's Cut It Out! (November 2007) column in Island Parent, Allison Rees of LIFE Seminars writes about The Good Child. She starts by saying that “Effective parents produce normal children, not "good" children.”

It's all in the words and how we use them. To talk about a good boy or girl does not really say anything to our children. They only learn to comply or seek praise. There is no real development in their psychological realm.

Our language to children needs to be sincere and interactive. Talking about them or their behaviour being good or bad implies judgement. Too often I hear parents talking to their children in a way to manipulate situations in the parent's favour, not allowing the child to be more independent, more curious.

Then when we talk with a child or youth, we start to use language which invites their participation. When looking at a piece of art work, describe what you see or what is interesting to you about it. Let the child tell you why she created it or used certain colours, materials, etc. All of these do not imply judgement—they do not scream good or bad.

I often cringe when I hear somebody remark about a good boy or good girl. (I know that I used to use those words with my children but I now realize how limiting and meaningless are these statements.)

Next time before you utter the words GOOD or BAD, try to think of another way to say it that produces a dialogue and interesting interchange of ideas. A way to let you know what the other person is really thinking.

Our children's health

2007-10-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

It's flu and cold season. The hacking coughs, runny noses, sniffles seem to be part of the landscape at home and at school. As a parent, what do we do for our child who is sick, miserable and definitely uncomfortable. We want to make them better and as fast as possible. In this age of seeking quick solutions to our everyday problems, there is always a quick remedy as close as the medicine cabinet or pharmacists shelf.

But wait, a U.S. Food and Drug Administration advisory panel recently called for a ban on all non-prescription pediatric medicines for coughs and colds. In a recent article in the Globe & Mail, columnist Andre Picard writes about the risks and dangers including death and adverse reactions in varying degrees of severity.

He goes on to say that Health Canada "strongly advises parents and caregivers to carefully read the labels and instructions for these products and to check the medicinal ingredients before giving them to any child, especially under the age of 2."

Picard's next word of advice is "Forget the wishy-washy bureaucratese." Get rid of these products both for children and adult—so you won't be tempted to give any of it to children—as they are virtually useless as remedies for coughs and colds.

In closing, Picard suggests the advises the following: "Symptom relief comes in many forms: A painkiller for fever, a humidifier for a stuffy nose, a cup of chicken soup for an empty belly, a favourite video for distraction, and a hug for reassurance."'

Good practical parenting does not always involve quick cures for whatever the problem may be.

Thinking and acting ethically

2007-10-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to do an hour long radio interview with Barbara Coloroso—internationally recognized parent educator, speaker and author—which we will air on Island Parent Radio in January. (We'll publish the dates on the website and in Island Parent.)

Our whole discussion—based on her book "Just because it's not wrong doesn't make it right."—centred on teaching children how to think and act ethically.

Barbara talks about how the teaching our children to think and act in ethical ways is comprised of three parts. First is to provide them with ways and ideas to care deeply, share generously and help willingly. Secondly, we need to "curb their inclination to hoard and harm." And finally, stop hatred or ways that inspire hatred.

We spoke of the importance of parents in modelling behaviours and mentoring our children. We have to show them the way by demonstrating compassion and loving kindness. One thing that I found both in the book and within our discussion is the idea our worldview matters and it is what inspires our children to act ethically and to think ethically.

Babara spoke at length about rules and how they don't always teach us or inspire us to act or think ethically. This leads to a thought I'd like to leave you with quoted from page 101 of her book:

"Neither a rigid moral absolutism (Because I said so...) nor shifting moral relativism (As long as I don't get caught...) will teach our children how to care deeply, share generously, or help willingly. Neither do they provide the groundwork necessary to develop communities that will support, not destroy, that which nurtures children's innate ability to care."

40 Developmental Assets

2007-10-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

I was attending a training session to be an In-School Mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters and was reminded of the importance of the 40 Developmental Assets that have been a project of the Search Institute for many years. We have written about these assets in Island Parent and I learned about them at a workshop quite a few years ago.

What struck me last night was to have a list of the 40 assets presented to me and then to reflect if each one of the statements were true as an elementary school child. I venture to say that I might not recognise myself in all of the situations but certainly in most of them. When looking at my life and comparing it to other children both then and now, I was truly lucky or blessed.

One of the ideas discussed at the training was the importance of a relationship with a trusted adult—be they a parent, teacher, friend, neighbour, relative—over the period of time. From a study done of individuals who were from very impoverished backgrounds (emotionally and economically) and became very successful in their lives, it was found that there was a "mentor", an trusted adult who showed interest and care for the child.

One story that was told was of a group of children from a certain area over a period of years and who ended up true successes despite their deplorable circumstances. When researchers delved further into their lives they found that this group all had one common factor. That factor was a certain teacher. When contacted to tell her of the study and how well some of her students turned out, she was asked what she did. Her simple reply was "I loved them".

Relationships are so key in the development of our children. The developmental assets simply looks at the External and Internal Assets that give individuals a chance in life.

Stress reduction

2007-09-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

Stress is part of our world. There has always been stress and, I suspect, it will continue to be part of our lives.

The "Work-Life Balance" in today's Globe is titled "Stress belongs in one place: back at the office". Although I believe that there are stresses in our home life, problems are often created at home by the stresses that come from our work. The eight suggestions are very worthwhile remembering and incorporating into our daily routine. They relate to providing that buffer between home and work—on the commute, working at home, being a focused not distracted parent.

There are times when I take the bus home. Often one of my neighbours is on the bus but does not always get off at our common stop. He, in fact, gets off a few stops ahead and walks along a foot path for a few blocks. I suspected what he was doing but one day I asked him. He has three young children and on particularly stressful days he isn't quite ready to see them. Although his commute provides him with that buffer, sometimes it needs to be a little longer.

One friend often said she needs and enjoys a longer commute. Fortunately when she is working, she has a good lengthy drive. I remmeber she referred to it as her time to unwind from the stresses of the day. One of the suggestions is to "treat your commute as a positive time to wind down and start the process of relaxation."

Many years ago, a friend related to me how his father would come in the front door. If he had been a little stressed and entered in a bad mood, he would often turn around and literally say "Let me try this again." And it worked both ways as sometimes there might have been some squabbling going on in the house which wasn't a particularly pleasant greeting in which case he'd turn and leave the house to return moments later hoping the situation had improved. This leads to the 3rd point was that if you need to rant and vent do it on your way home (silently) to yourself..."don't walk in the door at home and rant—nobody deserves such a greeting".

To be mindful of our stresses and to keep them in their rightful place again mentors certain behaviours to our children. Sometimes the stress is so large that we need to let our loved ones know it was a bad day and we need some time and space. But don't use that one too often. It's best to take these suggestions to heart and put our best foot forward.

Haikus and parenting

2007-09-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

I was looking over some of the books that come into our office for review purposes. It's amazing what people write about. The titles that promise the book will solve all of life's problems—well if not all of them at least those that we need to solve.

Here's one that won't solve any major problems but certainly it helps to reflect on parenting in small and playful doses. "Haiku Mama" by Kari Anne Roy has a subtitle (because 17 syllables is all you have time to read). It is very clever and worth picking up for some quick and thoughtful observations/reflections on parenting with some very simple graphics.

Some that I related to immediately on scanning the book—with the substitution of "Dad" for "Mom"—were:

Same book twenty times:
comforting for the baby
not so much for mom.

Learning the "mom" look:
Squint eyes, frown mouth, point finger.
But try not to laugh.

Forty thousand pounds:
How much stuff one baby needs;
afternoon car trip.

Don't make baby's mouth
into an airplane hangar;
food will just fly out.

Got me thinking about trying some parenting Haiku. I'm not so clever.

Letting go

2007-09-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last blog, it was hard saying goodbye to our daughter who is now on the other side of the country.

"Time heals" as they say. (Whoever they is?) And certainly knowing she is enjoying herself and settling into a new experience helps us start to feel okay about it all. We still miss her and have moments of sadness that she's not here but not as frequent as last week.

The point here is that as parents we need to let go. Our job is to provide an encouraging, nurturing environment that helps our children or teens to spread their wings.

An acquaintance of ours, when I spoke of our daughter leaving for the year in the Katimavik program stated emphatically that she just wouldn't let her children go. She is at a stage of her children being years away from such a time but it is worrisome to me that parents inhibit their children's need for autonomy by restricting or prohibiting them from participating in similar programs or experiences.

Too often in my experience,parents are not necessarily looking at these opportunities as beneficial to their children but detrimental to themselves or the family.Whatever age a child is, she/he needs to start to individuate and not be so enmeshed in the family that she/he misses out on some of life's greatest lessons. We do need to let go of the leash and let them explore the world on their terms.

Leaving home...

2007-09-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

She was wiping tears away from her eyes as she walked toward the plane. It had been a difficult last half hour or so—saying goodbye to family. The hugs were tight and the eyes teary. This was the start of yet another of our family journeys.

Our daughter was leaving home for a 9 month cross Canada adventure with Katimavik (see my previous blog). She was excited and scared. Ready to go forth yet wanting to stay put. For those she left behind there is a void. Her upbeat and vibrant enthusiastic 18 year old personality will be sorely missed. That wrenching, immediate change is so difficult. The long goodbyes with friends over the past week seemed endless. At one point over the weekend, knowing the pain of separation is forthcoming, you want to have her go now and not prolong the agony.

We've heard from her. She arrived safely in Montreal. But that's it for now. She's on to her new adventure—meeting new friends, learning new skills, living with a group—and we're not sure when our next contact will be.

One of our feelings through the sadness of the departure was that this is truly the right thing for her to be doing. She will have one of those life-changing experiences and grow beyond the maturity that we have witnessed these past few years.

Letting go is hard to do but as parents we must let go and let them go explore their world. It is a selfish act to keep them at home because that is safe for us.

Remember the butterfly saying:

Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight it will crush, hold it too loose, it will fly.