Women & Birth Stories

by Susan Miller, BScN

When women are in a group together, the conversation eventually comes around to birth stories. This is especially true when some of the women are of childbearing age. Why do women have a need to relate and re-tell the events of their latest or most outstanding birth? There are many reasons for this beyond simply entertaining friends and family. Giving birth is one of the most profound and life-changing events, and birth memories have a significant impact on a woman for the rest of her life. Whether the birth experience was considered “good” or “bad” there seems to be a need to recount and recall the details and to make some sort of sense and order out of it.

Every family hopes for a manageable labour and a meaningful birth experience. What each family defines as the best birth scenario for them is entirely individual. Those who provide support and services to childbearing families are acutely aware of the importance of individual choices and family-centered care. At the same time, medical staff are responsible for ensuring the safety of the mother and her baby. Obstetrical care is a blend of both art and science. During pregnancy most mothers have some sort of idea of how they think the birth will go. In reality the actual event rarely follows the imagined script. Sometimes the new script is a pleasant surprise, and sometimes it’s a big disappointment. The birth process may have taken an altogether different direction than expected. Perhaps you envisioned having a vaginal birth but, in the end, had a caesarean birth. Or you thought for sure that you would need an epidural for pain relief, and surprisingly you laboured without needing any medication at all. And maybe you were sure that this baby was a boy and you had a girl! Processing all the surprising and amazing events of birth is what women need to do.

Most women find that they are reviewing and analyzing their birth experience for at least a few weeks after the birth. When the events of birth have been especially disappointing or even devastating, there is a greater requirement to do this processing. Talking to your doctor or midwife will help to sort out any questions or confusion you may have over why certain things happened. Having the whole story and bringing it into focus will help you come to terms with your birth experience. It is important to put together a coherent narrative of the events as they unfolded, and to understand that this experience would naturally evoke certain reactions and feelings both at the time and later on. This process of knowing and understanding about the birth contributes to a healthy emotional adjustment after the event.

A woman often cannot recall all of the details of time and events during some parts of the labour. If this is the case, it is very helpful to have someone who was there fill in the blanks and provide an accurate account of what went on. Today it is common to record the labour and birth by video camera or photography. Reviewing the tape or pictures helps the mother to have a clearer memory of the birth. Some details that were not noticed at the time will be revealed in the visual record. Labour and birth pictures can become a treasured memento to the mother and her family.

Telling a birth story is not only helpful to the mother who gave birth, but also to others around her who can learn from her experience. Many times older women who delivered their babies under different circumstances want to learn more through the stories of others. They are interested to know and understand more about some details that were not explained to them when they gave birth.

Newly expectant mothers also learn about birth from mothers who have recently given birth. Practical and helpful information is passed on along with encouraging words and reassurance. Unfortunately, some people cannot restrain themselves from telling a pregnant woman the most gruelling and horrific birth stories. Most often these stories are somewhat exaggerated or based on misinformation. Of course there are still some critical cases that occur, but these are few and far between. The popular maternity shows on the television also tend to leave viewers with the impression that nearly every birth is wrought with problems that result in a medical emergency. This is far from true since most births proceed smoothly. Of course birth is very hard work for all concerned. There will always be a certain time of healing and adaptation for both the mother and her baby. Discovering inner strengths and personal resources through the childbirth experience can greatly influence the woman’s positive view of herself as she takes on her new role as a mother.

Talking about your birth experience is a good thing to do, but writing about it is even better. When you put a story on paper you have to work harder to find just the right words to describe your own feelings and reactions. This can be a most therapeutic and clarifying activity. The record you create of the birth from your perspective is a wonderful piece of history for your family. When your child is older, she may be fascinated to read the story of her birth. When you reread the story weeks, months, or years later, you may be amazed at how much detail you have actually forgotten about the birth.

After our first child was born, I remember writing a six-page letter to one of my closest friends (who is also a nurse) describing in minute detail the birth of our son. I think I wrote the letter within the first week after he was born. My friend was thrilled and amazed to receive this wonderful birth story. As a new mother I became very busy and always meant to write another account of the birth. I never did get around to it. A couple of years later I asked my friend if she had kept my letter, but alas, she had not.

Susan Miller, R.N., BScN, is a Perinatal Educator and Certified Breastfeeding Counsellor and has worked with pre and post-natal families in Greater Victoria for 30 years. She and her husband have recently welcomed a second granddaughter born to their son and his wife in Calgary.