Taking Risks
by Kim Atkinson

A group of parents watches from a distance as two four-year-old girls climb the bars on the playground. The girls are sitting high atop the bars. Really high. So high they are not sure how to get down. Even from a distance the parents can sense it all, the thrill of the climb and the power of looking over everyone mixed with the uncertainty of what the next move should be. One of the girls slowly slides her arm forward, then one leg. Suddenly she bursts into tears and a parent runs to help her down. In a flash she is up on the bars again.

A three-year-old boy sits on the carpet clutching a car in one hand and a truck in the other. He is looking intently at two boys who are running their cars down a wooden track they have assembled. I ask him if he would like to drive his cars on the track too. He shakes his head and moves his cars back and forth on the carpet.

What do these two scenarios have in common? These children are developing skills to grow and to do that, they are wrestling with what kind of risk feels safe for them. For the boy with the cars, the risk of joining a group in play is too big right now. For the climbers the risk of getting down is too big, but climbing up is thrilling.

No growth can happen without taking risks. Risk taking looks very different for different kids, and there are as many risks as there are things to learn. For some kids taking up that felt pen and attempting to print is too daunting. Others will draw and write all day, but won’t go near a tricycle. And another will talk endlessly to an adult, but is fearful of approaching another child.

Taking risks is scary, but if we don’t take risks we are stuck. We want our kids to grow, to challenge themselves, to pursue goals. So what is our role as parents to help a child take that risk? Should we push? How do we know if a child is ready? Can we push too far or is not pushing worse?

As I see it, there are a few guiding principles to consider when thinking about how to support your child in taking a risk. The first is knowing what is developmentally appropriate—physically or emotionally—for your child’s age. If you know that three-year-olds are often not ready to approach another child to play, you will be more at ease if your child isn’t doing that. But if you know that four-year-olds usually are ready, you will be likely to provide support to help your child engage with another child. Get a book, talk to other parents, go to the playground and watch some kids to find out what is average for your child’s age.

Know your child’s temperament. Some kids are just going to take longer to do stuff! They have to watch… for a long time. Others have a “perfectionist” personality and won’t try because their first attempt won’t be perfect. And some kids simply aren’t interested in what you think they ought to try. Ride a trike? Nope, would rather swing really high. Others rush in to new challenges without a backward glance. Think carefully about your child’s temperament and whether or not encouragement will simply entrench a negative attitude? Or is your child really wanting to try the next step and just needs some guidance on how that’s done?

Next, recognize that a child cannot take a risk unless he is feeling comfortable and safe. If he feels emotionally or physically uncomfortable, it’s much too scary to take risks. Starting a new program at the rec center? Attending might be all the risk he can handle right now. Actually DOING something while there is way too much. You may know that your child is safe, that there is no reason to be uncomfortable, but your child has to determine that for himself.

Lev Vygotsky, psychologist and social theorist, coined the term “scaffolding” which, simply put, means assessing where a child is now in a particular skill or competency and looking at what the next level would be. Then the parent or caregiver “lends” his knowledge to the child to assist in bridging that gap. This means simplifying the problem or task to make it more manageable and providing some direction to help achieve the goal. The key is that the scaffolding is temporary and the purpose is to have the child “learn how to learn.” So for the child on the top of the bars, the parent would spend some time talking about ways to climb down rather than just lifting the child down. For the boy with the cars, the scaffolding would be suggesting some specific strategies, perhaps moving himself physically closer to the boys with the track, for starters.

I like the scaffolding analogy as it directs us to be clear about where a child is and where she wants to go, which in turn makes us aware of building on what the child already knows. And most importantly, the scaffolding is only there for the short term and will be slowly withdrawn as children develop some mastery.

As a parent, the hardest part of all this is that the child is the one who has to take the risks to grow—we cannot do it for them. For us to solve all the problems, provide all the solutions and have all the answers doesn’t do our kids any good. Continually lifting the child from the bars as soon as they yell will result in a sore back for you and a child who will keep yelling. Asking the boys with the track if your boy can play with them will not help him learn to make friends on his own.

Growing up is all about taking risks. And parenting is about helping your child assess those risks and giving them the tools to successfully navigate to the next level. The ultimate parenting challenge is to stand back and watch your child do it on her own… without interfering or rescuing! You will be there to celebrate a success or console the failed attempt. And then start all over again. Allowing our children to take risks is often an emotional risk for us as we agonize over their potential for being hurt. But the truth is that all growth requires risk taking, even growing as a parent.

Kim Atkinson is the mother of two boys and an Early Childhood Educator at Lansdowne Co-op Preschool in Victoria.