New Dads & the Parenting Partnership

by Susan Miller, BScN

Most new fathers today want to be “involved fathers” and provide practical and emotional support to their baby’s mother, and to share in the nurturing and care of the new baby. There is wide acceptance of the equality of parental roles in the modern family and most couples strive for a shared parenting relationship. It therefore often comes as quite a surprise in the early weeks and months of parenthood when these best laid plans do not pan out. Today’s modern dads often feel confused, bewildered or disappointed that life with the new baby is not turning out quite as they had anticipated. The majority of new-parent couples admit that they have times when they are emotionally exhausted and have difficulty relating to and communicating with each other. Right at the time when both Mom and Dad need each other’s support the most, they may be feeling alienated and misunderstood by their partner.

In the early post-partum, a new mom can feel conflicted and emotional due to significant hormonal changes, physical fatigue and an overwhelming sense of responsibility caring for her vulnerable newborn. Moms often have a strong protective instinct toward their infants, and even when exhausted have difficulty trusting anyone else to care for their baby. Attempts by Dad to help with the baby or offer suggestions may be rebuffed, and Dad can become discouraged from offering further help. Dads need to remember to make allowances for Mom’s emotional state in the early post-partum days, and to not take it personally or become resentful when their best efforts are not appreciated.

In the early sensitive weeks, Dad can make a tremendous contribution by being the “protector and provider” while Mom works on developing her confidence in caring for and feeding the baby. New moms need plenty of nutritious and satisfying food. This means that one of Dad’s jobs is to keep the fridge stocked and to prepare most of the meals. New families also need as much rest and privacy as possible. Dads are often the gatekeepers ensuring that there are not too many visitors, outside distractions or interruptions for the new mom and baby.

In the beginning, feeding the baby takes up most of Mom’s (and Dad’s) waking hours. When the feedings are going well, everyone can be more relaxed. If feedings are a worry, it is imperative that parents consult with their doctor, midwife, lactation consultant or public health nurse to get timely guidance and support. Attending appointments with Mom and baby is another way that fathers support their partner and learn valuable information about feeding strategies or other concerns.

Fathers often assume that the mother will be more attuned to the baby because she gave birth to this baby. This assumption is simply not true! Men are just as capable as women in caring for a baby. The only way to learn these skills is to spend time with the baby to get to know her particular cues and behaviours. It does not matter whether this learner is a man or a woman.

Once those bewildering early weeks have passed, everyone looks forward to smoother sailing ahead. In many cases everything seems to fall into place very nicely and family life flows along in a comfortable way. In other situations things are not always as straightforward. The term “The Mothering Double Standard” describes a dynamic within a family where the mother wishes that her partner would do more to help in the home and with childcare, but in reality does not let him do it. The mothering double standard is not something that mothers do intentionally or even consciously, but the attitude develops over time (usually with the birth of the first baby). Once the mothering double standard is entrenched it is hard to dislodge. Many women admit that they want things done a certain way and consequently fall into the habit of saying “It’s just easier to do it myself,” or “It has to be done my way or not at all.” Neither of these approaches serves the family well because when a mother perceives that she is carrying the whole load of household chores and childcare, resentments begin to build.

Household chores and childcare are the two areas where couples can work as a tag team so that tasks get done in a timely (but probably not perfect) manner, and the children benefit from the care and attention of both parents. When Mom learns to be more relaxed and flexible she will find that her partner is more willing to help out. It soon becomes obvious that Dad does some things quite differently than Mom does. This is perfectly fine, and babies soon learn that Dad has his way and Mom has her way. If health and safety are not an issue, it does not matter how the baby is dressed or how the tea towels are folded!

When Dad is looking after baby, he is not only giving Mom a break, he is developing a special bond with his baby that forms the foundation for a stronger father-child relationship in the future. Mom needs to recognize this and give Dad some space. There is nothing more discouraging to a new father than a hovering “mother-expert” coaching and correcting his every move. Mom, leave the house and let Dad do his thing. Take the cellphone and he will call you if you are needed. Find activities that Dad and baby can enjoy alone together on a regular basis. Dads need to have fun with their babies as well as learn how to comfort them when they are distressed.

Parenting is a partnership, and one of the family’s greatest sources of strength is this mother-father partnership. Couples who have shared the parenting in the early months and learned together through trial and error go on to have a more satisfying parenting and family experience. Each parent has valuable insight and talents that they bring to their new role. Recognizing and appreciating these qualities in the other parent is one of the greatest gifts you give to each other and to your children.

Go for it Dad!

Susan Miller R.N. BScN is a Perinatal Educator and Certified Breastfeeding Counsellor. She works with prenatal and post-natal families in the Greater Victoria area and is the proud grandmother of Meredith.