Let Go of 'Mommy Guilt'

by Susan Miller, BScN

The start of the New Year is a time for resolutions. Make this the year you vow to drop the word “guilt” from your vocabulary. Women, especially mothers, tend to use the word guilt all too often when referring to their roles and responsibilities. This is likely because women are often expected to be the caregivers and peacemakers in our families and communities.

When you say you feel “guilty” about something you did or did not do, you have allowed your inner critic to make a negative appraisal of yourself. A definition of guilt is “a sin or offence—the act or state of intentionally having done a wrong or committed an offense deserving blame or punishment.” Words are powerful and can have a profound effect on how you judge yourself. Often times we say that we feel “guilty” when in fact, more precisely, we are feeling regret, inadequacy, shame, disappointment, frustration, or being overwhelmed.

If you are a first-time mother, you may be surprised at how strong and confusing your feelings are around caring for and nurturing your new baby. Naturally you want to do everything right, and you may think “If my baby cries there must be something I’m doing wrong—I feel guilty that I cannot help my baby be happy.” Much of the “guilt” we feel as mothers is the result of our own high expectations based on popular images of mothers who seem to be able to do it all, and have a baby who is always happy. Images of motherly perfection and bliss are simply myths. Real mothers struggle to make sense of their new life and to do the best job they can even when they are bone tired and baby is having one of those days.

Most mothers feel validated when they find out that their experiences and feelings are similar to those of others. Here is a list of the 10 most commonly voiced issues that mothers often say they feel guilty about.

1. Baby was born too early and/or by unexpected caesarean. These are not uncommon situations, and the safe delivery and care of the baby and mother are always priorities. This is not how you imagined your baby’s birth and you likely had little choice at the time. It will take time to adjust to the reality of what happened and to process your disappointment. It was not your fault.

2. I don’t enjoy nursing my baby or I wasn’t successful with breastfeeding. Even if nursing got off to a great start, some women just don’t enjoy it, but they continue because they know the health benefits for both baby and mother. Moms who have challenges with breastfeeding find it even more difficult to be enthusiastic. For some mother-baby pairs, breastfeeding just does not come together despite the incredible effort on the part of the mother.

3. Wishing the baby would go away. Some days, you are so tired and baby is so demanding that you wish he wasn’t here. It is entirely normal to have feelings of ambivalence about motherhood, and of anger and frustration toward your baby. This does not make you a bad person or an awful mother. It’s OK to put baby down and take some time for yourself to regain your sense of composure.

4. Needing time to myself. It is not selfish to look after your own needs. Most new moms are “touched out” at the end of a long day and need some time alone to recharge. They often do not want any close physical contact with anyone (including their partner). If you feel physically and emotionally depleted, you can’t be the parent you want to be. You need to take responsibility and the time for your own self-care.

5. Not accomplishing basic household tasks. Maybe your partner and other family members don’t say it, but you figure they’re thinking “What did she do all day?” You may wonder where your formerly efficient self has gone since baby was born. Baby care takes more time than most people imagine—they’ll understand this the first time they have baby on their own for the day!

6. I shouldn’t be spending money if I am not bringing any in. It is common to hear this. In a partnership, both partners must trust that each is contributing to the family’s well-being. Mothers at home with children don’t get a paycheck, but are putting in far more than an eight-hour day, and they’re doing the most important work for their family and society.

7. I am not spending enough time with my partner who is feeling neglected because the baby always comes first. During early parenthood, the couple’s intimate relationship is often on the back burner. It is up to both partners to find ways of having closeness together that meet both their needs. As baby gets older, her demands will lessen, leaving more time for intimacy.

8. I don’t want to follow grandma’s advice that is well-meaning but “old.” Recommendations around infant care have changed considerably in the last 30 years. Respectfully explain to grandma that you are following the most current information available. Remember too that sometimes grandma’s old-world advice is quite wise—you may actually find some of it reassuring.

9. Sometimes my baby cries in a public place and upsets the people around us. A baby’s cry can wear on the patience of anyone. Some people are less tolerant than others and they don’t mind letting you know it. Try to remain calm and responsive to your baby. Most people are not judging you or your baby, and probably have been in the same situation themselves.

10. I am looking forward to going back to work and I feel badly leaving my baby with a sitter or in daycare. For many women careers are an important part of who they are. A mom who feels fulfilled in both her outside work and family life will have more positive energy to love her child and enjoy a secure and happy relationship with her partner. Make sure you are confident with your baby’s caregiver. If you are pleased with your sitter and daycare arrangements, your baby will be happy too. Babies and young children have a lot of fun with their sitters and friends at daycare.

If you frequently hear your inner critic using the word “guilt” try to name what you are really feeling and use a different, less judgmental word instead. Say to yourself; I feel regret, disappointment, frustration, anger, fear, confusion, overwhelmed or (something else). You know you are doing your best today and every day, so don’t judge yourself so harshly. In 2010 make it your resolution to be kinder to yourself and try to let go of some of your “Mommy Guilt.” Enjoy your baby and remember that “mothering from the heart” includes loving yourself as well as your baby.

Susan Miller R.N. BScN is a Perinatal Educator and Certified Breastfeeding Counsellor. She works with prenatal and post-natal families in the Greater Victoria area and is the proud grandmother of Meredith.