by Alex Van Tol

Classroom teachers spend six to eight hours a day with the students they teach. That’s more time than some parents spend with their kids every day. Schools—more specifically, teachers—are a powerful socializing influence in our children’s lives. Why not make your best effort at establishing a solid relationship with the people who will be guiding and shaping your child over the coming months? It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

In the realm of parent-educator relations, there are ways to build bridges—and ways to burn them up, too. Communicating frequently and honestly, keeping the tone positive and looking for solutions to problems can mean you’ve got the game beat. On the flipside, holding grudges, gossiping and blaming the system for failing your child are all ways to undermine his success in school. Get out your hammer and nails and read on.

Building Those Bridges
Get involved. Even if all cylinders are firing at school, it doesn’t hurt to touch base with your child’s teachers now and then to make sure nothing’s amiss. (Many teachers have taught students for an entire year having never met or otherwise communicated with the parents except via report cards!) Some educators love having parent assistance in the classroom or on field trips. If this interests you, offer your time. It’s a great way to get to know the people who work with your child—and kids like knowing their parents are involved in their schooling. No time to volunteer? A simple e-mail or note in the agenda lets teachers know you’re interested in what’s going on in the classroom and it helps you stay on top of possible problems before they worsen.

Be honest. Remember that the teacher’s job is to educate your child. It is important to have all pieces of the puzzle in place to make this happen. Be open about your child’s personality, her academic and social needs, and her weaknesses. She may need counselling or formal assessment in order to be better served by the education system. This is nothing to be ashamed of. We live in a society where we sometimes tiptoe around issues surrounding learning and personality differences, afraid of our kids’ behaviour falling outside “the norm.” (What the heck is normal, anyway? I’ve worked with kids for 20 years and am still trying to articulate this completely elusive—and frankly useless—term.) It does a child a disservice to deny that she’s struggling in school. Parents and teachers must work together to ensure students gain access to the tools and people that will help them survive within our fairly rigid and tradition-bound education system.

Let bygones be bygones. If an educator or school failed to help your child in previous years, give each new teacher a chance to do his best. Assuming all teachers and administrators working within a school are inept is like believing all physicians working within the same hospital are negligent. Give each year a fresh start and drop those grudges. If, however, you keep hearing the same thing about your child from each new teacher she encounters, it might be time to sit up and pay attention. You may be missing something important.

Be courteous. This goes for whether you’re communicating in person, via voicemail or through e-mail. Say please and thank you, and address school staff by name. If you are upset with a classroom issue concerning your child, include the teacher involved rather than going “over her head” to the school administration or other staff. Each of us deserves the right to explain our actions. Likewise, if you have an issue with the principal, bring it to her attention and not the staff’s; it puts teachers in an uncomfortable and unprofessional situation to manage a conversation where their superiors are being slammed.

Back the school in issues of discipline. Beyond teaching literacy, numeracy and critical thinking skills, the oft-referred-to “hidden curriculum” means helping to raise children to work in groups. Nicely. This is known as basic socialization. Children make a lot of mistakes; it is incumbent upon parents and teachers to show them better ways for handling their dealings with other people. It is indeed possible that your child behaves one way while at school and an utterly different way when at home. Try to trust that your child’s teachers are doing the best they can to help your child interact appropriately with her peers and authority figures. Step back and recognize that mild to moderate disciplinary measures will not cause lifelong hangups (memories, yes – scars, no). If your child is disciplined at school and you are concerned, clarify the issue with the faculty rather than telling your child you disagree with the action taken. Nothing undermines the socialization process more destructively than the parent who refuses to allow his child to be held responsible for her misdemeanours. (This calls to mind people who curse and rail when ticketed for travelling 70 km/h in a 40 km/h zone.) Lastly, know that teachers don’t get it right all of the time (but then, neither do parents). We’re all doing the best we can for kids in a society whose sands are constantly shifting.

Blow off parent gossip. Some schools are worse than others for this, and some years are worse than others. Like all gossip, constant griping feeds upon itself and creates a climate of mistrust and misinformation which in turn causes everyone to feel ripped off and unhappy with the system. Gather your courage and speak (or write) your piece to whomever needs to listen, be it a principal or a teacher. People who can’t find anything nice to say are often those who don’t enjoy a positive relationship with their child’s teachers; those folks who are intent upon creating community look for ways to solve problems instead of just talking about them.

If you’re willing to invest the time and effort to establish a trusting relationship with your child’s teachers, wonderful things happens: students flourish; teachers are receptive and helpful; and parents feel valued as partners in their child’s education. It takes some work, but it’s a bridge worth building.

Alex Van Tol teaches middle school in Saanich. She is a big believer in working together in an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration to solve children’s educational issues effectively.